The Quickie: Are Boundaries Making Us Assholes? How To Properly Set Them (And Stop Misusing Them)

Teach Me How To Adult

I have a hot take: Boundaries are giving a lotttt of people a permission slip to be assholes. They’re being mis-used to control, manipulate, and justify selfish behaviour.

As therapy speak and buzzwords take over the internet and group chats, the overuse can lead to misuse, and a lot of these ideas have become convoluted and misrepresented. (Guys… not EVERYONE is a narcissist, and a disagreement doesn’t mean you were being gaslit.)

Boundaries should start with a respectful dialogue, but these days they’re being used as excuse to ghost, cancel people, always get your way, and avoid dealing with real issues. Don’t get me wrong, as a newly reformed anxious people-pleaser, learning about setting proper boundaries has legit changed my life. But bailing on friends or suddenly cutting off loved ones when you don’t get your way to “protect your peace” isn’t actually how healthy boundaries work.

Boundaries are an amazing tool to protect our wellbeing and our relationships. They should be rooted in kindness and respect, they should aim to bring us closer and build bridges, not walls. And they should always be about the actions you will take to keep yourself safe, not controlling other people or making demands.

So join me as I go offffff on:

• The most common ways boundaries are being unfairly used
• How power and control can masquerade as boundaries
• How to *actually* set a healthy boundary
• Melissa Urban’s traffic light framework for boundary-setting
• Scripts for kind and gentle boundaries
• How improperly using boundaries leads to avoidance
• Why selective enforcement is hurtful

Resources mentioned: Listen to episode 88 with boundaries expert Melissa Urban

Our show is produced by:

• Gillian Berner, Host, Producer & Editor
• Olivia Nashmi, Audio Engineer
• Carolyn Schissler, Designer & Web Producer
• Sara Valentine, Content Producer

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