I’ve Disclosed my Sexual Addiction history to my partner—now what? How do I best support her going forward?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 235, a PBSE listener writes in to ask Mark & Steve for guidance on how to best support his partner going forward. The couple were together off and on for 11 years and then married for the last 10 years. During the entire span of 21 years, he has struggled with sex/porn addiction and alcohol abuse. Recently, he got serious about getting into recovery, for both his alcohol dependency and his sex/porn addiction. As an essential part of his recovery and her healing, under the direction of a therapist, they engaged in their first "Discovery Day," where the truth about his decades-long addictions, gaslighting, lying, manipulation, etc., came out into the light. He seems determined to keep moving forward in his recovery and is asking, "Now what? How can I be there for her in this time immediately after disclosure and going forward?"

Mark and Steve call upon their decades-long experience with all aspects of the Disclosure process and what it takes for an addict to continue progressing in recovery and help his partner start and continue healing from betrayal trauma—

• All “disclosures” are not created equal! There are a number of parts of the addict’s submission that cause concern—
  • He indicates he wasn’t fully prepared for the Disclosure. What does it realistically take to “be prepared”?
  • They only had a 45-minute session set aside for D-day. Why might this be a problem?
  • It appears that the continuance of his disclosure and her questions happened 2 days later and then again 2 days after that—and apparently without the therapist. Where can this approach go wrong?
  • What ARE the parts of an effective Disclosure? The 3 FOUNDATIONAL FOOTINGS—Disclosure; Impact; and Amends.
• After all three parts of a formal Disclosure, THEN WHAT?
  • This is NOT a “one and done”! It's an “intimacy doorway” we walk through and it is just the beginning.
  • Going forward is all about “Living Amends” on the part of the addict in recovery.
  • Consistency, consistency, consistency—a trajectory/up-ward spiral that includes many efforts on the part of the addict including leaning in; leading out; proactively pursuing recovery; proactively anticipating and participating in the healing partner's needs, and more.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services