The First Step to Defuse an Emotionally Charged Conversation

Fearless Female Leadership Podcast with Sheryl Kline, M.A. CHPC

“When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion—you fall to your highest level of preparation.”

- Chris Voss

I recently spent time with Chris Voss and a few of his Black Swan NYPD and FBI hostage negotiators in New York City. It was slightly terrifying (I’m half joking), but the quote above sums up why most emotionally charged conversations escalate and ultimately fail to be productive.

Lack of preparation.

Most of us catastrophize about a potentially emotionally charged conversation which is understandable. Who wants to have uncomfortable conversations? But, if the conversations are potentially emotional, they are likely important and need to be had.

The first step to defuse an emotionally charged conversation is to make sure you are prepared for potential outcomes, so you are not triggered and can remain calm. Think them through in a way that is neutral and without judgment or emotion. You’re merely observing what could be, and visualizing your best response.

Some would argue not to think about what could go wrong. Based on the research, we love novelty (surprises) when they are positive, but not so much when they are negative or we are caught off guard. To be clear, I’d remain optimistic but be prepared for any outcome..

I call this 360 preparation the ABC Prep which is part of my Limitless Leader digital course. You can have a look at the worksheet here. (hotlink/landing page to the worksheet)

Think through and visualize your responses, and you’ll have taken the first step to being prepared to defuse a potentially emotionally charged conversation:

1.How would you like the conversation to turn out, and how would you like the both of you (or all of you) to feel.

2.Plan A: Buy-In

If you gain when you’re expecting push-back, know how to make your counterpart feel confident with his/her decision. For example, if you made a big purchase such as a new car, you may have buyers remorse. What if the salesperson said: ‘Not only are you saving the environment, you’ll save money on gas, and the resale of this vehicle is extremely high.’ Feeling better about the purchase? In potentially emotionally charged conversations, it’s important to acknowledge to be ready to be surprised with good news.

3.Plan B: On the Fence

If you receive partial buy-in or if there are split decisions in the room, how will you respond? For example, in a board meeting you have buy-in from some and push back from others or if your boss acknowledges your perspective but does not commit to a decision.

4.Plan C: Push Back

If you get a hard ‘no’ such as ‘no budget for your initiative’ or ‘no to another headcount’. How will you prepare to either move the conversation forward or decide when it’s better to revisit another day or take a brief recess?

These are the first steps to get you prepared to defuse your next potentially emotionally charged conversation. Stay tuned for more strategies to prepare your best for those moments that matter most!

Cheering you on,

Sheryl