Inside a Session on Emotional Desires: Asking For What You Want Without Shame or Blame

Sex Help for Smart People

In this special episode, I let you listen-in on a live session with client Kris (with her permission!). She and I tackle the topic of owning our own emotional desires when we’re in relationship. Think of our emotional desires just like sexual ones. Sometimes we know them, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we want to ask for something, but we don’t really know how to ask. Or how we’re asking isn’t working – the other person isn’t receiving it the way we mean and we need to try something new. Sometimes we think everyone is wired the same way and of course they “should” know what we want…but just like sexual desires, that’s just not true. So we can’t expect everyone to magically know what feels good to us. This is true for sexual and emotional desires. We’re way way more likely to get what we want for both kinds of desires if we are asking clearly and not making anyone wrong – us or them.
Notice how great Kris is at embracing the "no one has to be to blame" part. Please don't expect to be a pro so quickly -- she has done a lot of personal growth work to build her capacity!
To try this out at home:

1. Notice what it is you actually want to FEEL – not just the action you want your partner to take, but how you want to feel. Pick one overwhelmingly desired feeling.
2. See if you can challenge yourself to make no one wrong – your partner isn’t wrong for not understanding yet and you aren’t wrong for wanting it in the first place.
3. Ask how can we use this to connect and learn more about each other? How can I share about myself vulnerably here?
4. Assume that one thing you think they need to do isn’t available or is impossible for whatever reason. Try on sentences or alternative things your partner could say or do to help you get the feeling you want anyway. When I say try it on, I mean really imagine it and see how it feels in your body.

Get a FREE GUIDE to FINDING YOUR DEEPEST TURN-ONS and learn how to get help with relationships and intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com.
Get a transcript of this episode by going to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ Click on the episode, then choose the transcript tab.