#41: End mom-guilt, with Trina and Tara

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

The feeling of guilt is something we can all relate to at different points in our lives. While guilt can be an adaptive emotion, it can go into overdrive during motherhood. It can cause Moms to struggle to care for themselves, drain their energy, and sacrifice their health and happiness unnecessarily. They can also end up beating themselves up for failing to be the mom they wish they had been.

Everyone is worthy of self-care, love, healthy boundaries, and good treatment. Trina and Tara can help you do just that.

Trina + Tara are co-founders of Power Mom. They coach moms using their tried, proven, and holistic method called The Daily Practice. This practice gives moms practical, everyday strategies within 4 Power Components: Building You, Training You, Fueling You and Extending You. They give moms step-by-step tools to gain energy, confidence, and strength...all without mom guilt, so they can love themselves again. They are the authors of the book, Crush Mom Guilt.

Learn more about Power Moms Trina and Tara:

Website: https://www.powermom.co/aboutus

IG: https://www.instagram.com/powermomco/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/TrinaWilliams5

Learn more about Karin:

Website: https://drcalde.com

IG: https://www.instagram.com/theloveandconnectioncoach/

TRANSCRPIT

Podcast Intro:

[00:00] Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Episode Intro:

Karin: Hello, everyone. Today we're going to be talking about guilt. That sounds fun! But stick with me because I think that a lot of people are going to get something really valuable out of this episode.

Guilt can be a good thing. It makes sure that we behave honestly and treat others with respect, and it essentially acts as a guide so that we act morally. But often we go overboard with guilt, especially when it comes to believing that we have to do everything for others or when we believe that we're not worthy of self-care and good treatment. And perhaps one of the subgroups of the population that experiences an unreasonable amount of guilt is moms. Guilt is pervasive in motherhood. No matter what your age, it can rob you of your joy, the freedom to be whole, individuated humans. And as a mom myself, I knew just what Trina and Tara were talking about when they said that they help moms overcome mom guilt. Trina and Tara are former collegiate athletes and they work with moms, and recently they published a book called Crush Mom Guilt in hopes of ending mom guilt. Now, I know this is going to resonate with a lot of you, and it sure resonated with me. So I'm glad you're here. And if you appreciate the episode, I hope you'll share it with some other moms who you love. Here we go.

Karin: Welcome, Trina and Tara. How are you?

Trina: We are doing great.

Tara: Good.

Karin: And I know you said that you have been really busy this month, so I really appreciate the two of you making the time to be here today.

Tara: Absolutely.

Trina: Thank you for having us.

Karin: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And tell me where you're located in the world.

Tara: We are in Montrose, Colorado, which is on the western side of Colorado.

Karin: I tend to have a lot of people on here from Colorado. I don't know why that is, and I've never been, but it sounds like a really beautiful place.

Tara: Oh, it's amazing. Yes. Home base, hopefully forever.

Karin: Yeah. Have you been there long?

Tara: We lived in Colorado Springs, which is the other side of the state, for about ten years, and then about a year and a half ago, we were RVing one of our side passions. And we were traveling through the western side of Colorado and we fell in love with this area. Just really open, lots of mountains, so much outdoorsy stuff, and we went home and we're like, we think we're getting the itch to.

Karin: So the beauty of the place really drew you there.

Trina: Yeah, and it's a smaller area and we wanted to raise the kids here. We have a boy, girl, twins, and so we wanted to just have them in this type of environment. So we're very happy to be oh, that's nice.

Karin: Yeah, that's great. Yeah. When I started having kids, I lived in the Bay Area in California, and I'm like, I'm not sure this is exactly where I want to raise my kids. So yeah, moved them up to Oregon and that's been home ever since. Yeah, I get that. So tell us about the work you're doing and the book that you have out.

Tara: Yes. So Trina and I started Power Mom just after the kids were born. Probably what now going on? Almost eight years ago. They'll be nine. Holy smokes. Really stemmed from know, worked in corporate America and had the kids and didn't understand because most people don't talk about all the things after the kids are born, they just talk about all the great stuff, but not really talk about some of the challenging times of having kids. And I was working in corporate America. I remember leaving my work here in Colorado. It was like late February, it was freezing, and I got in the car and I just lost it. Like I had a full on meltdown, wondering, how do I go from corporate mom right to being exhausted then to the job of mom when I got home. And do you remember that?

Trina: I do remember the night she walked in, I could tell something was wrong. So we sat down, we talked a little bit about what was going through her mind. And what she didn't realize is at the time I was staying home with the kids, and here I am, a new mom to two kids, to two babies and just learning twin life and juggling all of that. And so I was struggling in my own ways of not creating time for myself and taking care of some of the things that I knew that I needed to be doing, but I just didn't know how to do that. And so it was a really good conversation to just be able to be that open with each other, with what we were both struggling with just in different ways. Me being at home all the time, her being in a corporate world and then how that mixed together and how.

Karin: Great that you were able to have that conversation with one another.

Trina: Yeah, absolutely.

Karin: That really says something about your relationship too. So that's awesome. And now, so you've got Power Mom, so tell us what that's all about.

Tara: Yeah. So cut to right. A few years after that, we really worked on our own personal relationship. We worked on our relationship with our individual selves. We were both athletes growing up, and all through college, we had the fundamentals of what we still exude today to be healthy, to be strong, to have confidence, to have that energy, but really lost it. And so it was a lot of digging deep, a lot of conversations between the two of us seeking out some additional help, getting some coaching, going through courses, because at the time, there was nothing specific for moms out there, which I felt to be absolutely crazy that there was really nothing talking about this. So Trina and I spent a lot of money, a lot of time, and said, listen, if we're having this challenge, other people have got to be feeling the same way. We're not some isolated folks on this planet. And so it was our kind of I feel, like, life's work to start to expose what's happening with moms. Right. The mom guilt, which I'm sure we'll talk about here a little bit in a second, but it's that guilt you feel about putting yourself first. We've really taken it to expose that, to be able to have those conversations and build all around this, to take moms from feeling exhausted to energetic, feeling like they have no time, to creating time for themselves, and then ultimately is having that lack of confidence to going to self love all without mom guilt.

Karin: Yeah. And it just makes me think about all the reasons why we have that guilt. So maybe before we get into that, how would you define mom guilt?

Trina: Yeah, I think it's different for everyone, and I think it comes in phases. Sometimes you have a newborn at home. The guilt that you have around some of those things are different than a toddler. I have friends empty nesters.

Tara: Right.

Trina: And they're feeling guilty. We met up with friends of ours not too long ago, and they didn't help their daughter move out of her college dorm, and they felt guilty for not being there to help their college daughter out of her dorm. And so I think it depends on who you are and your situations. But at the end of the day, it's feeling guilty when you take some time for yourself. For most moms, we put everybody first. Right. Everybody's needs become more important than our own. And if we do take some moment to pause or be with ourselves or take a trip or whatever that might be and look like that we need, there's always this seeping bit of guilt that is right there, right in the back of our minds that you feel guilty about it. Even though you might be enjoying yourself and know that that's what's best for you, you still feel this little bit of guilt. And Tara describes it know, she goes to go for a half hour run, and even on the run. Even though the run's good for her and she feels great, there's a part of her is just like, oh, man, I should be, know, spending time with my kids or whatever that looks like. And so I think for me, it depends on who you are. But there's always that I shouldn't be putting myself first and I shouldn't be taking care of my needs because my kids need me more or whoever else needs you.

Tara: Carol, when we ask this question to moms, probably the common answer is it's never enough.

Trina: Yeah.

Tara: Like that word of I'm doing everything and it's never enough. And most of the time it's probably self inflicted because most people are not telling them it's not enough. We're telling ourselves it's not.

Karin: You know, a couple things come up for me. One, Trina, when I was hearing you talk about this, you said the word should a lot. And that's something we do a lot, isn't it? Is that there's always this other thing that we're supposed to be doing we should that is probably based in some kind of fear. Yes. Yeah. We're not going to be good enough if we don't do it this way. Right.

Trina: I'm not going to be a good enough mom to my know, I didn't give them enough of what they needed, whatever that looks like for each individual.

Karin: Right? Yeah. And I hear what you're saying, Tara, is know, even though we can even pretend to be these super moms, it's still never enough. Right.

Tara: There's always that one thing right. That didn't get done. Whether it was the laundry or you didn't spend enough time with your spouse or your partner or you didn't cook the right meal, in your opinion, or you didn't do something. It's just like never ending.

Karin: Yeah. What comes up for me is that I also think about, oh, when my kids were younger, I should have done things this way. That's where I think it comes in most for me. Is that something you hear a lot, too?

Tara: We do. I think it's the past, which we know we can't change fundamentally and still haunts you. Right. And or it's the things like Trina just said, even up through kids who are in college where you would assume from the outside, like they're self sufficient, they're fine, they know how to move and I mean, it was this burning.

Trina: Guilt of I should have been there.

Karin: Yeah. Right. So whether they're six months old or 22 right.

Trina: I don't know. My mom read the book and said, it doesn't stop. I still feel this for you kids. So I don't know. We're going to be able to help some moms not feel it to those extents with some of the things that we have learned that have really helped.

Tara: Ourselves and other it's really funny because we have a lot of reviews. And we were talking about this last night on the book. And for some reason, these women who are in their 70s, my mom included, felt the need to say, I'm a woman in my 70s or I'm a grandma who's 75, whatever it is, and goes, this is great today. I wish I had this book back then. So I think it's ageless and timeless as a mom, no matter how old you are.

Trina: Yeah.

Karin: And then I also just think of, oh, my gosh, holding on to that guilt for that many years, and what purpose does it really serve? Right?

Tara: Yes.

Karin: So great. Why do you think it's so pervasive?

Trina: I think that it's a really deep question. I think that we could probably spend a long time just diving into this, but I think there's this cultural expectation. And I actually read this post the other day, and I thought, you know, that's really interesting is that we are coming from a phase of like, these are the things we should be doing at home as a mom. But we've also been raised as strong women who should go out there and work in the world and do all these things, and it becomes a lot. And when we're giving to one area that maybe there's some expectations around, something lacks, I feel like there's this cultural expectation of you should still be mom, but you should also be doing these other things too. But I think it's a really interesting question that would be fun to really just dive into more around. Why is it that we are where we are? I just think it's that these expectations are set out there, and we're all trying to be the perfect mom. And that's a really high thing to reach for without support and without having communication in a relationship or with your family.

Karin: Yeah. And I do think about how girls are even socialized when they're young. Right. So there's probably some of that that starts really early on, is that there's a certain way that you're supposed to be supposed to be helpful and put yourself last, and you don't say no and you want to people please, and all those things. Right. So there's probably some stuff there, but I also think about these images that people put out on social media about and they put out this image, right. And it's usually, oh, we did all these great things, and I looked beautiful while doing it. And it doesn't show the reality of what actually happens and how we might be feeling during all of this and the tantrum that happened and the fact that you forgot the food that you were supposed to bring for the picnic or all those different things.

Tara: Right?

Trina: Yeah. Two things with that is this morning I woke up and I was feeling just we've been really busy and going a lot, and I just needed a little bit of energy. Pick me up. And so Tarek knew that she just knows me well enough and goes, Go for a run because when I run, I feel better. And so I posted about it, but it's about being authentic, and I didn't feel like going. I woke up really tired today. Not physically tired, but know, when we are all busy, we all get to that point where I need some to get myself back again. And Tara did that. And so I think it's really about being authentic and that we all have those moments. However, there are a lot of things that we can do to help ourselves get through those times. And to your point about looking at what other people do, I've received a message not too long ago from a high school friend of mine, and she's been our we have a free Facebook group she's been in. And I've reached out to her. We've messaged each other. She said, Trina, I got your book. I love it. I'm enjoying it, but I feel like I'm falling short in so many areas.

Tara: Yeah.

Trina: Did she use the word jealous? And I wrote her back, and I said, look, comparison game is a horrible thing. Do not compare your life to mine. Because she's doing great things in her own life, in her own ways that are different than mine. And I didn't get where I'm at today overnight. It was a learning process, and it still is. We still have to work on the things that we talk about and we believe in and we know that work. We're just as human as anybody else. We get just as tired as anybody else. It's about turning to some of the things that we know are fundamentals that help us. I happen to have a great partner who said, get out and go for a run. And I always say the first mile of a run is a liar because I feel like **** the first half. By the time I got home, my energy was higher. I felt better, and it was a really good thing. But being careful that we're not looking at everybody else's lives as perfect, but looking at our own and really comparing ourselves to ourselves and getting better. We talk about it all the time. Get 1% better every single day.

Karin: Yeah. And I love that you brought that up about comparisons because there was one thing that I remember learning about years ago, and that's like, okay, if you're going to compare yourself to that person, then not only do you get to then take their perfect body or whatever it is. You also have to take their anxiety and their relationship that they have with their brother and this and that. You got to take the whole package because you don't get to just pick and choose. I want the good part of that person and the good part of that person because we all have stuff, right?

Tara: Or it's perceived good part.

Karin: Absolutely.

Tara: Yeah.

Karin: That's crazy.

Tara: A video the other day that I think is relevant to the topic is comparing yourself to yourself, and how do.

Trina: You continue to just elevate yourself?

Tara: And if you look at it through an athlete's view right, it's your PB, your personal best or your PR and your personal record. And it's just if this is where you are today, how do you continue to increase your own personal best and your own personal record in all parts of life?

Karin: That makes so much more sense, doesn't it?

Tara: You got a little extra laundry done today. Then that's a personal record.

Karin: Yeah. And I'm thinking about any new moms that might be listening today and thinking, you know what? You got up out of bed and you took a shower, sometimes that's a win. Yeah, exactly.

Tara: And if you didn't, that's okay.

Karin: Right.

Trina: But if it's a goal, work on it.

Karin: You know, I know this is kind of a funny question, but is there any upside to guilt?

Trina: I think that there are times where that guilt helps kick us in the rear a little. Know, Tara just brought up laundry, and it's know, the laundry sitting in the room. And in the back of your mind, the mom mind, you're like, oh, I need to make sure that my kids have clothes. I don't feel like doing it, but guess what? My kids need clothes. And so you go and you do your laundry. And so I think there can be an upside to it. I think it's just more about placing it in the right mindset with it, I'm feeling this way, but it's because I need to get that done versus, I'm feeling that way. And it's tearing me down because I know that I shouldn't be eating this way. But you don't stop, and then you just continue making those decisions that don't build you up. And so I think that there's a positive side to it. Unfortunately, I feel like most of the sides of guilt, that's not necessarily a positive feeling. And there's a different way to put a spin on it, to say, this is helping me to be a better mom, because it's motivating me to get off the couch to go do the laundry. So I think sometimes it's just how you view it, but it's also around the habits that we use to feed that feeling of guilt. And I think that we touched on this a little bit just the other day with someone is being aware. Because if you're aware of what makes you feel guilty, then you can begin to change that habit. Right. So if I know that if I don't do the laundry for a week, by the end of that week, that was like seven days of feeling a lot of guilt. And so you can start to change that, and maybe on day three you're doing some laundry, you don't feel as guilty. Right. And that's a very simple example. But there are ways of just saying, wait a minute, I feel guilty when I do this. So what's a habit I can start to use and to help me turn that habit in from a negative feeling to a positive feeling and start to add more positivity into my life, that.

Karin: Makes a lot of sense to me that, yeah, it's a motivator for a lot of people. And sometimes that can be it goes when it crosses that line from guilt to then shame, where it's really about I'm a bad person and that gets really problematic. Yeah.

Trina: It festers and becomes chronic for you.

Karin: Yeah.

Tara: There's also people like you, Karen, that are doing these awesome shows right. And then have people like us that are exposing that this exists. And the more that people talk about these things and the more common it is versus somebody thinking, oh my gosh, this is only me, where we step in a room and we use the word mom guilt and there's like a sigh of relief in the room that people are actually talking about this. It does become, in fact, a positive thing because you can flip it on its head like Trina said and go, okay, I'm acknowledging this. Now what do I do about it?

Karin: Yes, acknowledging that the common humanity in our experience is so powerful for people. You talk about the four power components in your book, so maybe you can walk us through those four components.

Trina: Yeah. So we love these four power components and really starts with what we call the daily practice. And so what I talked about, I didn't want to go for a run today, but I know that it falls into my daily practice. And so what it becomes is an area of focus that I know we also call this like our non negotiables. It is non negotiable for me to exercise. For me, five, six, seven days a week is my goal because that makes me feel good, is why I love to do it. And I know it's good for my body and all those things. So that's an example of like, a non negotiable. And so the daily practice is really incorporating these four power components within your day. So I like to call it like your Power Mom Hour is what I really challenge moms to do is create time and space for themselves. So I'm going to go through these really quick, and then if you want me to, we can give examples for each of these so that people can right away start making some really powerful changes that are very simple, but they can really help within moms changing their daily lives. So the first power component number is number one is building you. So this is really clarifying the action steps you must take to reach who you want to become. So we call who you want to become your 2.0 version. So here you are, zero version. And it's like, this is who I am today, but who is it I want to become. And that's your 2.0. And we found that moms don't really allow themselves to think beyond the day to day of who is they really want to become. And so that is within the building you part of that. The second one is training you. And that one is really about how to be able to eat right, the good foods without getting stuck with calorie counting and really focusing on that. So some simplicity around food to help us make sure that we're fueling our body. And as Tara says, we are fueling for life, that we feel really good. Power component number three is training you, and that is become fit and embody real results without hours in the gym. Look, Moms, if you have time to go to the gym, fantastic. We love the gym. We used to go to the gym. However, what we found is we didn't have time for the gym. And that was one of the big conversations when Tara came home and was like, we're not feeling great about ourselves because we're not getting our workouts in. So what does that look like? And so we dive into that. And then power component number four is extending you. We love this one because it's really about if you take the first three power components and you're working on those, you're going to build yourself up and you're going to feel really good about yourself. And what happens is when you're filling your emotional bank account and you're feeling good about yourself and your body and your mind, you're better to other people and you have more to give. Because what happens most often is that we as moms, we give and we give and we give, and then we hit a point where we don't have any more to give. We're out of gas. Right? And so this way, we're always making sure that we're fueling ourselves up in a way that empowers us to be able to give more. And so extending you is really evaluating where you are today within your personal relationships and then developing a plan so you can focus on those relationships, your children, your partner, your friends and family.

Karin: So I want to back up for a second. So it's building you, building you. And then the second one is which is what?

Trina: Fueling you.

Karin: Fueling you. And then it's three is training you, and then four is extending you.

Trina: Correct.

Karin: Okay. So because we are all about relationships here, of course I'm particularly interested in number four, not to minimize the importance of the first three, because I think that is all of those things are so foundational and really set us up for success when it comes to number four. Right. But, yeah, I'd love for you to dive into some examples of how you help people with number four and what you mean by that.

Tara: Yeah. So look, I think they do all build right. Because as Trina said, when you build yourself up and you're feeling great and you're fueling your mind with really positive intent and positive things, you're talking great about yourself and you're fueling your body and you're doing things for yourself, then the extending you peace becomes even more prevalent in your relationships. So the biggest tip that we offer folks, especially on these things where it's like actionable, is what we call the hug challenge. And hugging produces oxytocin in your body, which I'm sure your listeners know, because it's you that oxytocin feel good. And we could probably spend hours talking about what that is, but really that feel good hormone and how when you feel good and you're interconnected with your relationship. So there's a lot of research done on hugs. And we challenge folks to do eight to ten hugs every single day, eight to twelve hugs every single day. And one great way to be able to do that, right, because it's easy to say, okay, drink this much water, do this many hugs, go, do this many jumping jacks is to set your phone or your watch or your phone alarm literally eight to twelve times during the day. And every single time that alarm goes off, you go find someone to hug. And if there's no one there, this works by hugging yourself, this also works by hugging a dog or a cat. But one thing that we love is that relationships really start to thrive off of that hug. And you just feel closer. And oftentimes your spouse, your partner, your kids will be like, what in the world are you doing and what has happened to you? But then it just becomes this thing, right, that people want to do. And Trina writes a whole bit about this in the book. And so much feedback has been around hugging. But I think one thing with relationships, not only the hugging, but ultimately relationships in general, is all about the communication. Absolutely. Talking through what are some of the pain points, what are some of the whys you can't and what are some of the whys that you can and how do you kick them out of the house to go for a run? How do you say our intimacy is lacking? How do you overcome these different things? And a lot of this is deemed on communication. And with those open lines and not being super defensive, are the things that we see help relationships thrive.

Karin: What are some of the things that people come to you with around extending you in particular, and how do you help them with all that?

Trina: I think sometimes for me, extending you also involves being a really good example and realizing that moms are like, I know I should be, but I'm not, and my kids see it, right? And so this can be about hugging from the intimacy side of things with your kids, with your partner, but it's also the importance of really setting. An example by choosing to do these things for yourself so that your loved ones see it and then they begin to be better. And then in turn, your relationship becomes better because they're starting to feel better, because they're making better decisions. And you really start to build up your family because you chose to make better decisions. And your kids noticed it, your partner noticed it, and now they're doing those things too. And now you're adding in hugging, and you start to really feel good when all of a sudden you see your kids reaching over and choosing healthier foods or choosing to go outside and exercise or want to do exercise with you. Hey, mom's working out? Can I do that with you? And so I don't know if I directly answered your question, but I know that those are some of the things that especially for moms, it's like, I know that I should be helping my kids and be an example to them. I'm struggling with it. How do I do that?

Karin: Yeah, so normalizing. A lot of those really healthy behaviors. And moms are such leaders in the home, and so they can teach by example. Much more powerfully than telling their kids what to do. Right.

Trina: And kids know the difference.

Karin: Oh, yeah, kids love it. My kids love it when I tell them what to do. Especially now that they're teenagers. Right?

Trina: Yeah, absolutely right.

Karin: So one of the things that I'm just curious about is with this guilt, do you work with moms where it's hard for them to do some of this stuff because they have a hard time overcoming the guilt?

Tara: Yeah, I think when monks come into our VIP program, we talk with each one of them, right. You can't just go sign up online or something, make sure that it's a good fit and that we can actually help. And as I'm taking these notes and going through it, the common denominators are, I don't have confidence in myself. I don't have the time for myself. I used to know what to do, but now that I'm my mom, it's like all like these puzzle pieces, right? And it's helped me put these sort of puzzle pieces together. And oftentimes guilt is the thing. And it's kind of like the spoken hub. It's like that's the hub that's not allowing all these other things to work properly is because they just feel so guilty. They feel guilty because they don't want to go buy good foods because they think good foods cost more, and now they're using the money to buy they don't want to go to work out because they feel guilty taking the time for themselves to go work out. They don't want to feel good about themselves because they want everybody else to feel good. It's like guilt is that central hub of not being able to do all these other things when, again, I said this before, but if you reverse it all in its head, or you do what Trina said and you're filling yourself, you can now give authentically and at optimal levels to everybody else, right? So some of it becomes more of a mindset shift and then taking action. One thing I teach is, and if anyone's listening to this right now, hopefully you are, you can write this down, is action plus motivation equals more action. And so often, or motivation plus action equals more motivation. Like, we hear inspiring stories, books, music, movies, quotes all over the place. And it's easy to latch onto one of those things, be like, I'm going to do this. But if you don't do anything about it, then those things just sort of fester away. And then we see the next thing. We're like, oh yeah, I thought about something a year ago. But if you're motivated and then you take action, you become more motivated. And then if you are more motivated, you take action. It's like the cyclical thing, right, in all these aspects of our lives, whether it's our own self, whether it's our own body, whether it's our food, whether it's our relationships. And so that equation works as long as you're doing something about it, right?

Karin: So it sounds like you help moms make that connection between hey, look, if you do something about this here, and you're going to see that this is going to actually help you be able to give more, and that's actually going to make you a better mom and eventually, perhaps let go of some of this guilt, would you say?

Trina: Yeah. And I do think that culturally, we have brought up been brought up that there's quick fixes, right? Oh, just these quick fixes, and you're going to look like the model. You brought up how somebody else looks on social media. Oh, well, I did this quick fix thing and then I got those results. And it really does take some time. It takes time for us to really change what we're doing, our habits and how we view ourselves. And so we like to say that this is not a quick fix. This is about really creating a lifestyle that's really healthy. And it's mentally healthy. It's physically healthy, it's nutritionally sound, and it's an optimal way to live so that you have more to give to your friends and your family. And it really just adds on. And I'll say that we start with building you because for moms, it really is the mindset piece. And we really have them dig into who are you today? How does that feel? Right? Let's sit with that for a moment. Let's be honest with ourselves. And then who is it you really want to become? Be excited about that. That's super exciting that you have something to build towards and then let's put that plan in place and get you there. And why do you want to do that? So we really spend time because once they're able to see that for themselves. It'll pull them through doing some of the other things that are not as easy as the habits around food and working out, but if they really know who it is they want to become and why they're going to get there. And a lot of times moms, they want to do it because they want to be better for their kids and their partner.

Karin: And creating that roadmap can be so motivating, can't it? Yeah.

Trina: And then having the support around that too. Nobody likes to travel that road alone. And so really, making sure that moms feel supported, seen and heard throughout their journey is really important to us as well.

Karin: Do you also notice that the moms who do this work come to see that they are worthy of it for themselves as well?

Trina: Yeah, hopefully that's one thing that we.

Tara: Hear on the front end is I'm not literally using that word. I'm not worthy, I'm not worth this, I can't, I've done, blah, blah, blah. And then you take them through this transformation. And part of the tagline on the very front of the book, which I believe very strongly, is we all have this inner greatness. And what we're able to do is kind of ignite that inner greatness from moms, right. To be able to become strong and confident, but not have that guilt associated with it. And that's the fun part, is seeing that and then gosh, I can't tell you how many people are like, oh my, I didn't realize I could take me time and feel okay and actually feel better. And my family loves me even more now because they see that I love myself. Yeah.

Trina: Some of the stories are fantastic. I know one of our VIP moms, she took a whole room and created it for herself. And it became her space so that in the morning, she could get up, she could have a cup of coffee, she could journal, she could meditate. And these are the things we really talk about that moms need, are these things. And it was so beautiful to get this picture of this beautiful room. Wasn't a huge room, but she created like this little corner. Nook, for know, it was so fun. And then we have another one of my favorite stories is this one. Mom was talking to Tara early on, and she just couldn't see herself getting motivated or doing anything. Let me tell you, that girl now goes to a gym and is teaching classes at five in the morning, and she has two teenagers at home. But she's found the way. And now her kids are involved in sports and they're doing great things. And those are the great. It's so fun to see the whole transformation for these moms and what they do and create for themselves because of.

Karin: It and the ripple effects yes. Throughout their families.

Trina: Yeah, absolutely.

Tara: It's funny because we were doing a talk the other night, and these moms are coming in late, and two of them said the very similar thing, which is so funny to me. And they're like, oh, sorry we're late, and we're with the kids, blah, blah. And the kids are like, oh, what are you doing? And they were like, we're going to a talk on how to crush mom guilt. And both of them said the same thing. They're like, one of the kids didn't even understand what mom guilt was. And then they all said, oh, yeah, okay, but you don't have that. Right, mom, we have it, but people around us have no idea what we're even talking about. And one lady said it about her kids, and the other one said it about her husband. Like, oh, yeah, other people have that, but you don't have that. Right?

Karin: Yeah, that's great. So the other thing that I really appreciate you said a few minutes ago, Trina, was about it's not a quick fix. This takes work, and things that I think are really worth doing do take time and effort. So I appreciate that you're honest about that process. Yeah, absolutely.

Trina: And it's ongoing. Like, we still work it.

Karin: That's the thing.

Trina: This is about the journey and just, as we said, getting better. Every day a little bit more, and just continuing to fine tune yourself and work on yourself, and we all slip back, and then we come back to the daily practice, and it helps us get back on track. One of the things that I like to do in the mornings is I do daily declarations, and it's really just statements that I put my hand in my heart and I say it out loud, like, I'm full of energy and health and vitality. I love who I am. I'm confident in my abilities. And we went on vacation, and I fell out of that. Sleeping in a little longer in the mornings, getting up, going straight out to the pool, versus doing some of the other things I typically do. And man, did I notice a difference when I came home that I missed doing, that I missed starting my day off with these really powerful statements for myself. The daily practice brings us back to, this is what I need to be doing. Even on those times where we slip a little bit on some of those things yeah.

Karin: Can create a kind of trajectory for your day, right?

Trina: Absolutely. That's why we like the power hour. That's not fitting for every mom, but it is something we encourage, because if you get up in the morning and you work out and you spend some time in quiet and really having reflection, whatever that means for you, and, man, you start to feel better about yourself. I've had Moms say, I do that, and then all of a sudden, I want to make my kids breakfast. I'm in such a better space. I've had quiet time. I feel energized, but you take your time to do that in the morning, and then the excuses of the day that build up on all of us.

Tara: They don't get in the way.

Trina: It doesn't matter. You're like, I've already worked out. It's good. I can do whatever you need me to, versus like, oh, I need to work out.

Tara: Okay.

Trina: I need to go help you with that project. That's more important. Then there's not that battle between those two things.

Karin: Yeah. So what are some other transformations that you've seen in the moms that you've worked with?

Tara: Depending upon probably what is lacking the most? The entire thing is about being well rounded in all of these categories. Right. It's not just one thing. And so I think some of the transformation we see is like, where are you lacking the most, and how does that kind of come up? And then how does the other stuff just sort of fall in place with that is? I would say ultimately the biggest thing is we see confidence levels increase. And when your confidence increases, your happiness increases. It sort of builds on each other. And when you're happy, you want to give more. When you give more, your entire family is happy. I think people's relationships are changing, and this is not, to me, just about the mom. I would say this transcends through the entire family. And that is what's so exciting for us, because not only are we helping shift identity of a mom, but we're also really transcending down into families. And it just means for more and more generations to come to hopefully not grow up with this guilt if they're a mom, if they're a boy or a son, and they need to look at themselves because it doesn't matter, right. With confidence and with strength and with the ability to go out there and do everything. So I would say not only is it just like either a body transformation, a mental transformation, but it's more transcending into families.

Karin: Would you say you see these moms showing themselves some more self-compassion yeah.

Tara: Giving themselves permission to know that it's okay, right, to being a bit more compassionate, not beating yourself up for every little thing. And I think it's really hard, even for Trina and I, more probably me. It's like, it wasn't perfect. It wasn't perfect, but it's more the release of that's.

Karin: Okay.

Tara: And continuing to go back to the fundamentals of exactly what we started with earlier. And one thing Trina and I talk about is like, this is it. There is no other magic bullet. There is no anything. Right. We learn, and as we learn, we're all learning. We like to coach what we learn, but this conversation could go on and on for the next few hours, and it's always going to come back to building upon yourself and making yourself better, not comparing. And when you think things are not perfect, it's okay. And just to have that grace with yourself.

Karin: And it's so interesting how so many of my conversations with people, whether it's about relationships with their intimate partners or parenting or work relationships, that when you do the personal work, when you work on yourself, all of that improves. Yeah, it's foundational. So what's something that you'd really like for the moms listening today to walk away with after listening to this conversation?

Tara: This is so easy for me right off the cuff is that I truly believe my heart that we all have this within us. Like every single mom we talk to, no matter how far in the dumps you are or how close you are to really becoming that ideal person that you want to, you have that inner greatness in you. And some of it is just taking the action step and stop telling yourself like, oh, I'm going to do it in the future or something's going to change. You're the one who is in complete control. And I would say I'm giving anybody permission today to reach to to us, to you, Karen, to a friend, to somebody to say, I just can't get over this hurdle, I need a little bit of help and that's okay. But I'm telling you, you have what it is inside of you no matter how you feel right this moment.

Karin: Absolutely, I agree. And what role does love play in the work that you do?

Tara: Foundational? I think we're trina and I go through the ups and downs of any other couple out there and I brought up communication earlier and it's something that we work on on a daily basis. And the love between the two of us and the love between our family allows us to do our work better. And then as people are able to see that and see the authentic and the truth behind that. The other thing is when it comes to what we work with, with moms.

Karin: Is.

Tara: I think that's why we're all here, that's the extending you peace is to love. Why we're on this planet is to love and to give. And you cannot give from an empty cup. And I know it's this very 2023 cliche, but you cannot. And if you can fill up your own cup with self love, love transcends through your family, through your work, through your relationships.

Karin: Yeah, well said. Great. Well, how can people learn more about working with you and your book Crush Mom Guilt?

Tara: Very easy on Amazon right now. And then I would say the easiest place without giving a thousand links is our website will take you to all our social channels, has the book on there as well. We'd love to support with that and then to hear any feedback that everybody has. But it's powermom co. Powermom co. And then you can find us on Instagram, Facebook, all those things. There's a lot of free tools on that website as well. And if anyone feels to the point where they really want to talk easily. Schedule a call with us. Whether we can just get you pointed in the right direction or you want.

Trina: To work with us, then we'd love.

Tara: To have those conversations.

Karin: Is there anything else that you want to say about the book before we.

Trina: I mean, I just think it's one of those things where when I was writing it and when I say I was writing it, I'm the voice of the book. However, Tara is definitely throughout the entire book, her knowledge is definitely in there. But I remember thinking, gosh, I just want people to enjoy this book and really be able to go from chapter to chapter. Like as an author, that was one of my biggest concerns. And the great thing is the feedback has been that it's super relatable a lot of stories. There's action steps, but some of them are challenging, but others are just really simple, such as the hugs would be a good example of that. People are really enjoying it, so just know that you're going to get something out of that book and we would appreciate the support and then always look for positive reviews for that as well. But we love the book, and we did it for the fact that we want to reach more people and this is a way for us to be able to do that and change more mom's lives.

Karin: Wonderful. Well. Thank you, both of you, for taking the time to be with me. I'm really excited to check out the book. I think that this is such an important topic, and I know just about every one of my friends will be able to relate to this. So thank you for the work that you're doing.

Trina: Karin, thank you for the time.

Outro:

Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm the Love and Connection Coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistants. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.