#37: Mindfulness for Teens, with Lindsay Miller

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Do you have a kid who seems to struggle when it comes to managing stress? Maybe they get anxious, lash out, and/or shut down. Whether you have a young child, a teenager, or one in between, if your child has a hard time managing big emotions, they might benefit from learning mindfulness. Lindsay Miller is my guest today and she’s a mindfulness coach for kids.

Lindsay has 20+ years of child development experience and a certification in mindfulness. She hosts Stress Nanny Podcast and is the enthusiastic founder of thestressnanny.com. Her goal at The Stress Nanny is to give parents and kids simple ways to communicate their needs during everyday moments and in stressful situations like family conflict, divorce, illness, infertility and loss. Lindsay believes that mindful communication is an essential skill for modern families.

Website: https://www.thestressnanny.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thestressnanny/

Stress Nanny Podcast: https://www.thestressnanny.com/podcast

TRANSCRIPT

Podcast Intro:

[00:00] Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

Karin: Hello everybody! Have you ever had that experience where you talk with someone for the first time and you just feel connected to them and good about yourself? You just feel happy after talking? That's what it feels like to talk with my guest today, Lindsay Miller, or at least, that was my experience. And I can just imagine that kids who work with her would feel so comfortable. It was such a pleasure to have this conversation and learn more about how she works with teens and younger kids to help them navigate the stressors in today's world, because it is tough for kids these days and certainly tougher than it was when I was a kid.

Now we're talking about mindfulness today and how that can help kids make some pretty big shifts by helping them increase their self-awareness and situational awareness and help them figure out what they really want to do in those situations. So these are important life skills that will serve them well for the rest of their lives. And like I say toward the beginning of our conversation, I sure wish I had these tools when I was growing up.

One of the things I found really special about how Lindsay works is how she helps these concepts come alive for kids so they can understand and apply them. If what she says during this episode resonates with you at all, and you have a kid who feels really deeply or seems to be struggling to manage stress and their emotions, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend her. So go to her website, which is in the show notes, and contact her again if you have a kid that might be struggling. All right, I hope you enjoy the episode today. Thanks for being here.

[2:31] Karin: Welcome, Lindsay.

[02:33] Lindsay: Thanks so much for having me, Karin. I'm excited to be here.

[02:36] Karin: Yeah, I'm really glad to have you. Where are you in the world?

[02:41] Lindsay: I am in Draper, Utah, which is just about 40 minutes west of Park City, Utah. If you've ever skied in Park City just about 20 minutes south of Salt Lake. So I live just below the mountains, so every day we get to see what nature is doing by just taking a glance east, and we can see the season on full display and we're.

[03:07] Karin: Recording this in the middle of summer. So is it pretty hot there, Honda?

[03:11] Lindsay: It is, yeah, it's hot right now. We had a really long spring and winter so everything is still really green right now, so it's warm. But we still have wildflowers up in the mountains and the grass is green, the mountains are green, all the foliage is very nice.

[03:31] Karin: So you do ski?

[03:33] Lindsay: Yeah, we do. Um I grew up in Southern California, have lived a lot of my life in Texas, san Antonio, Texas. And so we're not like every weekend skiers but we like to get up there sometimes I'll get the week pass so while my daughter's in know, I'll take a morning and go up and ski. But it was definitely a high season at the slopes this year for sure.

[04:00] Karin: A lot of snow.

[04:02] Lindsay: Yeah, we had a ton of snow like crazy. People were coming from all over the world to ski here. It made it a little tricky for locals to ski because there was a lot of attention to Utah snow this year.

[04:16] Karin: Yeah, I know in Europe they had none.

[04:20] Lindsay: Yeah, it was so funny. Different parts of even the US. There were different areas where it was just know, such a drought and here we were like, you can have some of ours, it's April and it's like snow.

[04:32] Karin: Oh yeah, that can be rough. Well, what keeps you there? Or what drew you there in the first place?

[04:38] Lindsay: Yeah, it's a great question. So we lived in Texas for quite a while, done quite a bit of exploring of Texas and the surrounding states and area and had an opportunity to come out here and we have family in Utah and we thought it would be fun to explore the Pacific Northwest. So we've been able to go up to Glacier, we've gone up to Seattle over to know California and it's been just fun to have adventures in this part of the country for this season of our life.

[05:07] Karin: Nice.

[05:08] Lindsay: Great.

[05:09] Karin: Well tell us what you do for work.

[05:12] Lindsay: Yeah, so I am a kids mindfulness coach, which means I help kids learn to build stress, resilience, self awareness, practice mindfulness and practice emotional regulation. And I love it. It is one of the I think, most important skills we can teach. Those skills are some of the most important that we can teach kids and so being able to do that every day and see the impact that it has as the kids then put those skills into use at school or at home or in their sports or in their relationships, it's really rewarding. Great.

[05:48] Karin: Well, you're also known as the Stress nanny, right?

[05:51] Lindsay: Yes, the company is the Stress nanny and that's kind of the header under which I teach mindfulness. When I first started out, I was teaching adults, mainly women mindfulness and kind of how to have better mental, physical and emotional health and one of the things I started to notice was that there were a lot of skills that would have come in handy a lot earlier. So if they'd had the skills when they were a teenager or in their early adulthood, some of the things that kind of trailed them for years, like decades maybe, could have been different. Yeah, exactly. I know I'm raising my hand right now. The audience can't see.

[06:34] Karin: I'm like.

[06:37] Lindsay: Totally. I'm one of those people too. My early adulthood was fraught with anxiety and we navigated infertility and there were just so many hurdles that we faced. And I went and looked for some mental health support because I realized that the tools that I had, which were really minimal, weren't cutting it. I just didn't have what I needed to kind of make it through the struggles I faced early as an adult. And so as I thought about my own story and then I was working with these women, I was just like, I'm not the only one. This is kind of a universal theme that the tools that we employ and learn as adults, they could come in really handy for our kids and help them navigate situations maybe not avoid, but navigate them with a bit more ease than maybe what we were able to, or at least less discomfort. And so I had been teaching in my home. My daughter and Mindfulness had just kind of been part of our story growing up. Like I would tell her little stories around Mindfulness principles so that they would stick in a way that resonated with her because she was just little and had the opportunity to start teaching in different ways. I was teaching Mindfulness teachers and it just kind of turned into a thing. There was a market for parents who were interested in sharing these tools with their kids. And so eventually I shifted to doing that full time and took that stress nanny brand forward because it is such a vital skill for modern families and being the way that I teach it. I teach kids, but then I interface with their parents. So it ends up that the whole family kind of learns as we go. And it's so rewarding to see the ways that it supports optimal growth. It builds resilience in times of struggle and then it gives families a way to kind of communicate through everyday living in a way that's educational and informative. They're more aware of kind of their interactions and how they're communicating, but they're also a little more gentle with themselves, which I think we all need to do.

[08:43] Karin: Absolutely. And how did you learn, Mindfulness?

[08:48] Lindsay: Yeah, so I started, like I said, in probably my mid twenty s, is when I first accessed mental health support formally with a therapist. And I thought I was going to go in and she was going to diagnose me with all these things. I had just assumed I probably had because I had Googled it, and she was like, I think you need to just be a little more present. And I was like, what do you mean? Surely all these things I'm struggling with are not going to be not going to be resolved by me being more present. But sure enough, the more that I practiced not spinning off into worry or ruminating into the past, the more I felt better and the more I felt empowered. And then over the years, I've done study on my know, I've taken different classes. I have a mindfulness educator know by the International Mindfulness Teachers Association. So I dove into it with a lot of gusto after that because it did have such a big impact, but it was such a simple thing. And as like a person, I'm all about the most effective and efficient solution for any struggle. And as a parent, I'm especially that way. So if there's an effective and also relatively easy to learn tool that my daughter could have that would serve her throughout her life, I mean, sign me up for that for sure.

[10:15] Karin: Yeah. I love the words easy and simple, right?

[10:23] Lindsay: Yeah. Well, and it's like that first appointment, like I was saying with my therapist, it was a PhD in psychology, and she was just like, you're normal, but you just need to use your brain a little different. You're letting your brain kind of be in charge instead of you being in charge of your brain. And so I think we can make a lot of headway by just focusing there.

[10:43] Karin: Oh, that's fantastic. Oh, I love that. Yeah. And of course, we do end up overemphasizing the brain and paying too much attention to our thoughts that are running through our heads and so many of us live there.

[10:59] Lindsay: Yeah. One of the stories I teach is, like, the thought river. So the idea being, like, we're most of the time in this river with our thoughts, and our thoughts are like, whacking up against us and splashing us and we're kind of just treading water, drowning half the time in our thoughts because we just feel like we have to be at the mercy of them. And really, the river is pretty shallow and we can stand up and walk over to the shore and sit on a rock and then watch the thoughts and then choose the ones we want to pull out of the river. But most of them, we're just going to let them go. And instead of feeling like we are the thoughts or the thoughts are just, like, coming at us and we can't catch our breath, we're more empowered to kind of sit and monitor the flow, choose the ones we want, and then act on those instead of feeling like we're the victim of our brain. And I spent way too many years feeling like the victim of my brain to not feel like that's an important skill for anyone to.

[11:58] Karin: And I love that metaphor of the thought river. I haven't heard it like that. That's really powerful. That's cool. So what is mindfulness and how does it help people?

[12:11] Lindsay: Yeah, so I'm going to give you the definition I use for little kids. I teach it in scale. Right? So for little kids, we use different stories and definitions. And then my degree is in child development, so I take like a developmental approach. At whatever stage the child is at, we present it a little differently. But I find that everyone can connect with the little kid definition. Adults, it's like their favorite. So we're going to go with that one. And we say mindfulness is knowing what's going on inside of you, what's going on outside of you, and then making a choice on purpose.

[12:47] Karin: And that of course, seems so simple.

[12:50] Lindsay: Right? In theory.

[12:52] Karin: Right in theory. But what are the benefits of mindfulness?

[12:57] Lindsay: So one of the things that a lot of people see in terms of benefits is a normalization of kind of what's going on with them. Because when they start to notice, they at first think they're kind of crazy. But we all are crazy. Just as humans who have brains have thoughts that come all the time. And knowing what to do with those is important. So just having an empowered sense of awareness around what thoughts are, how the brain works, that comes with mindfulness. We also practice not judging. So as we sit on the side of that thought river and we watch those thoughts go by, we don't beat ourselves up for what's in the river, the things feeding upriver. We're in control of some of them, we're not in control of others. And so we don't judge. We just let the thoughts go. And what happens is that practice translates into our life in really incredible ways. So before, where we would spend a ton of time beating ourselves up for something when we practice mindfulness and practice just letting stuff go and not getting fixated on it or not beating ourselves up over it. All of a sudden, like a teenager is working on a test. And instead of flipping out and crying in the middle of class, or instead of coming home and just going over every single question that they missed, they're like, okay, I'm feeling frustrated. I'm uncertain. I'm not sure what's going on. This is a rough test, I'm going to do my best. Right. And they don't get lost in those thoughts about how awful they are and how this is going to ruin their GPA. It's like they can rebound in a different way with that level of neutrality and compassion for themselves. And I think for teenagers that's especially important because there are so many times that they beat themselves up over a variety of things, right. And some of that's because they're wanting to fit in. Some of that's because they're hitting a stage of life that's a little more high stakes. And so sometimes the mistakes are kind of big. But when we can start to normalize our experience, just have a different relationship with our brain and then be less judgmental, it frees us up again to focus on the thoughts that are going to take us forward in a constructive way that are going to take us forward in a way that's motivating toward the things we're passionate about. And so being able to kind of work with a managed mind, it has a ton of benefits, but I would say those are the main ones.

[15:20] Karin: I love that. So it helps kids or whoever is using it to not spin out and to then empower them to be able to choose how they want to go forward, is what it sounds like.

[15:34] Lindsay: Yeah. Because if we think about all the time that I know for a long time before I had this practice, the amount of time I would spend, like, berating myself for a mistake or being afraid of making a mistake. Most of my ruminations backward were about things I didn't do right, whether it was in a friendship or a relationship or a work assignment or just a conversation. I mean, I would just stew on them and get stuck and then forward thinking that anxiety we have over whether it's an upcoming event or a test or a dance, even if you're a teenager and you're getting ready for the dance and you're wanting to make sure your hair is on point right. And you have the shoes and that everything matches and that's all really valid for teens. And so the things that we can kind of beat ourselves up for, like, I should have done this different, or I should have been looking for these shoes a long time ago, or they can kind of just notice. Those thoughts coming by and then pay attention to the ones that are productive, which is maybe like I did a really intentional job picking out this out. I picked this stuff on purpose. I think it's going to look good because that thought is in the river too. But when we're just like awash in the self judgment, that thought is not the one that we tend to see.

[16:50] Karin: And then of course, our brains are naturally wired to look for what's wrong so we can fix it.

[16:55] Lindsay: Right? Yeah, exactly. And sometimes it's productive. Right. Like there are times when that's the thought I pull out, like, how could I do that better? But it's not because I'm awful or because I suck. It's because I genuinely want to do something better. And so then the orientation to the thought, I think, changes when you're not at the mercy of it. Yeah.

[17:20] Karin: And of course you talk about normalizing and how you're not crazy, really, you're just a normal human being. But there is all this stress in the world. I just want to talk a little bit about that and about how that really creates the water we're swimming in right, and the need for mindfulness.

[17:42] Lindsay: Yeah, for sure. And especially for teens. I know in other episodes you've talked about the pandemic, talked about social media, and there are a variety of things that are at play when it comes to the stressors that teens face. And one of the reasons that I loved the idea of a stressed nanny is because we're not going to live life without stress, right? But we do need to keep tabs on it. Like, we need to keep an eye on how much stress we're carrying, what we're doing to build resilience, and what we're doing to kind of manage stress levels when possible so we can bring our resilience up and sometimes we can bring our stress levels down depending on what we're doing. So, yeah, I mean, for kids especially, I think sometimes we don't take that focus on self care with teens that we could even with younger kids. And so I think recognizing, helping them recognize the stressors that they face. And I know you had an episode where you talked about validating kids emotions and validating that stress for them. And sometimes for parents that's so tricky because compared to parental stress or adult stress, some of those things don't seem like a big deal, but they really are to kids. And so the test that's coming up amidst a fight with a friend, amidst needing to practice a bunch of things, whether it's an instrument or a sport or whatever, another thing to remember is that teenage brains are unplugged from the prefrontal cortex a lot of the time. And the prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain right, that is kind of the manager. And so all those emotions can feel really overwhelming because it's kind of just like they're on their own and kind of running the show. And the thing that would manage it is still trying to plug back in as the brain is growing. That's just what happens with teens. And so being able to be compassionate around of all of that and be like, yeah, that is a lot you do have a lot going on. And allow the stress to kind of emerge in a safe space, lets kids then process it and organize it and then make that intentional choice forward. But a lot of if you think about what's going on inside of us what's going on outside of us inside of us is like all the emotions that we might be feeling because of those friendships. Because we have a lot going on at school because we're doing our act next week because we're looking at these college applications or college visits, and we're not even sure what we want to study, let alone where we want to be or just all those things add up. So adding to that normal everyday stress around friendships, things they might see on social media where they feel left out. Just all of those things. It's a lot. It's a lot to be aware of all at once.

[20:22] Karin: Yeah, absolutely. Who are the parents that generally come to you and say, I think we need your help?

[20:29] Lindsay: Yeah, so most of the parents that come to me are really self aware parents who are aware of practicing or teaching these skills at home and realize that they could use another voice as a teacher. So there will be families where they've been trying to teach these skills for years. But as kids hit like their between and teen ages, all of a sudden the parent's perspective is not quite as knowledgeable, which is a normal part of having a teenager. And so they need another voice in their village to kind of reinforce the principles. I have parents come to me who are they'll have one kid in the family who tends to be a bit more sensitive and like a highly sensitive child is one who is going to that awareness we already talked about that's pretty significant for any child. A highly sensitive child has that awareness like in a megaphone, you know what I mean? They're just taking in all the things all the time. So sometimes families will have one kid who tends to be a bit more sensitive and it kind of throws off the whole emotional environment in the family because that child is having trouble regulating and so then everyone's kind of walking on eggshells or not sure what to do. So I'll have that, I'll have kids who tend toward just emotional outbursts and the parents see that they're a good kid and can often understand the reason for the outburst and also recognize that it's not a functional behavior for that child. As in they can't do that in fourth grade. It's not going to go well for them if they're in their friendships and they're not sure what to do with these big emotions. So it's generally parents who have quite a bit of awareness and love for their kiddos and are looking for a few more tools to help them be successful and overcome a few developmental hurdles.

[22:20] Karin: And do you ever find that this is useful for kids with trauma?

[22:26] Lindsay: Yeah, we do. I always in those instances work in tandem with mental health professional. I like to say that mindfulness is like the front line for emotional wellness, mental wellness. And so it's like a baseline skill I want all kids to have. And then in instances of trauma, it can be beneficial to work in a team with a therapist who can be kind of addressing the impact of the trauma and the ramifications. And then what I'm doing is helping the child reframe process. It like help with tools to process the emotions as they come up on a day to day basis and then help them move forward in a way that takes into account the trauma but allows it to kind of organize itself in a way that doesn't overshadow everything else.

[23:17] Karin: And how receptive are teens to the work that you do?

[23:22] Lindsay: Yeah, one of the things that I encourage parents to do and this is what I do in my own work is I encourage them to frame mindfulness in terms of something the teen is invested in. So if they're interested in, say, sports so I have a soccer player at my house, and a lot of our conversations about mindfulness right now are about optimizing energy. And we talk about peak performance, and we talk about how a certain amount of stress for any activity, whether it's on the field, in the classroom, at home, a certain amount of stress is actually really helpful. Like, we need it in order to perform our best. And it's knowing what that optimal level is and then not letting it get there's kind of a curve. So think of it like a bell curve, and at the top there's optimal peak performance. And then just over, as you're starting to come down the curve, there's like a red line where we've hit too much energy, like too much stress, too much anxiety. And so that's the line where we start to panic, we start to choke, we start to get overwhelmed and lose it again in the classroom, on the field, wherever we are. And so we talk about how mindfulness is knowing where we are on that curve. Right. It's knowing like, oh, I want to do my best in XYZ scenario. Maybe it's a violin concert, maybe it is a test. So I need to have enough stress that I have the peak performance, but I need to be able to manage that stress level and keep it within the realm of optimal instead of letting it kind of tip over into that panic and overwhelm. So then when we frame the tools in that way, we'll start to plot them on the curve and say, okay, so if that's the case, here are some tools you could use to build energy. If you're feeling kind of bored, lethargic not invested. Here are some tools you can use to bring your energy back if you're feeling like you're getting a little bit close to that line. And so those are the tools that a lot of the tools that I share with kids are ones to take them back from feeling overwhelmed, back into a more optimal space. And the nice thing about mindfulness is a lot of kids can start to recognize when they're hitting that tipping point. Right. With practice, not initially, but with practice, they start to notice like, I'm about to lose it. I need to do something to help me come back to this place of peak. And again, it's not about having zero stress. It's not about never getting frustrated. It's just about keeping it within the realm you can manage it. So with teens, I find that they are really receptive when we frame it those ways about stuff that they're invested in. Right.

[25:56] Karin: So make it relevant to their lives and what's important to them.

[26:00] Lindsay: Exactly.

[26:02] Karin: What are the three keys to mindfulness?

[26:05] Lindsay: Yeah. So let's go into it in more detail. I'm glad you asked, because I think that when we look at those keys, we talked about, like, what's going on inside of you, what's going on outside of you, and making a choice on purpose. There's a lot there, and you mentioned it earlier. In essence, it seems pretty simple, but in practice, it's actually pretty complex. One of the things that I'll do when working, especially with older kids, is we'll compare what's going on inside of me conversation to, like, a chocolate factory. Have you ever toured a chocolate factory? I have an ice cream factory. So you're on this walkway, right, with these big windows, and you're looking down on the factory floor, and you're seeing the area where they stir the ingredients together, and you're seeing the area where they kind of make sure everything's at the right temperature, at the right melting point. And then you're seeing the area where they pour it into the molds, then where it's cooled, then where it's packaged, then where it's boxed. And from that top spot, you can see all those things happening at once. Right. But there are also people who are maintaining each of those individual processes, right? Like, there are a few people who are making sure all the ingredients are fully stocked so when it's mixing, everything can go in. The few people monitoring the temperature for the melting to make sure it doesn't get too hot or too cold. So when we talk about what's going on inside of us, there's a part of our brain that's kind of like us on that catwalk, where we're looking out and kind of observing all the processes. And those processes are, like, our emotional, how we're doing emotionally, how we're doing mentally, how we're doing physically. And so there's a way for us to attune ourselves and be more aware of, like, I'm feeling really tired today, or I'm feeling really energized. I'm just feeling a lot of things right now. Like, my emotional awareness is really heightened at this moment. Or mentally, I feel a little foggy today, or my brain just is going a mile a minute. My mental processes are quick. So those would be the individual kind of machines in the factory, like those different parts of our experience. And then there's a part of our brain that watches all of it. And so as we strengthen that part of our brain, we become more attuned to the things that are going on within us, which makes us more and more skillful in leveraging that information with what's going on outside of us. Right. Our relationships, any environments that we show up in school or work or home. And then we can start to integrate. Our understanding of those too, and then that's when we make the choice on purpose. So, for example, my daughter's at a camp right now, and there have been long days. Like, they haven't had a ton of time to rest. And so she's feeling kind of worn out, so tired emotionally, it's been kind of a lot. She's away from home. This is the longest time she's been away from home. Mentally, they've had a lot of information coming their way, and so it's just a lot overwhelm a little bit. And then what's going on outside of her. She's around all these other people. She's never been around before in this different setting she's never been in. She's had a couple of other camps this summer, so it's just like just some other factors at play, right? And so then making the choice on purpose, taking all that information and kind of combining it, she's like, okay, I'm going to try to get as much rest as I can, recognizing I'll be able to rest at the end of this. I'm going to try to work through the emotions that I'm feeling. I'm going to reach out to mom when I need to, I'm going to text, and I'm also just going to try to engage because I know that helps me. If I just focus on something else, that helps me work with some of that homesickness, and then I'm going to recognize that this is a special time I have with my cousin. We signed up for this together, and we're going to only be a few days together. So I just want to enjoy it, and then I'm just going to take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. And so in that moment, she could break down or lose it, and it's fine. That happens to all of us at some point, so it wouldn't be the end of the world if that happened. But she's able to enjoy herself in a different way because she can kind of use all the information at her disposal to kind of manage her experience going forward.

[30:27] Karin: Can I ask how old she is?

[30:29] Lindsay: Yeah, she's 14.

[30:31] Karin: Okay, so she's had some time to practice this.

[30:35] Lindsay: Yeah.

[30:35] Karin: And does she talk to you about it?

[30:39] Lindsay: Yeah, she'll reach out, and we had talked a little bit before she left. That's another thing about mindfulness that's nice is especially with teenagers, you can kind of role play or practice situations ahead of time. Like this might come up, and when it does, what are some of the tools you have for that? Or what are some of your strategies going to be? Or in this moment, if you're feeling this, what are some ways you can reach out to feel connected? If you're feeling left out, if you're feeling homesick, what are some of the things you can do to remind you that we're here and we love you? So she's asked me, we have two dogs. And so she's, like, asked me for pictures of the dogs. Can you just please send me a picture of the dogs? And that's her little boost for the day. She feels connected enough to engage. So when we can talk about one of the stories I'll use is, like, zooming in and zooming out. So it's the same as the chocolate factory metaphor. Zooming out is like, up on that catwalk, kind of observing what we need. Zooming in is being just, like, fully in it. Whatever we're doing, if you're feeling something, honoring it, if you're experiencing something, being there for it. So for her, she needed to zoom out a little bit. Like, I need to feel connected to home right now. Asked for a picture of the dogs. Got the picture of the dogs ready to zoom back in and be present. And that over time, practicing that takes effort. But when we have those conversations with kids kind of before those kind of events or when we're it's not usually ideal to have it in the thick of the moment. If there's a meltdown going on, you don't want to ask your kid to zoom out because that's not the right time. But if you've got a kid with a test coming up or like the act, you're like, hey, these might be some of the things you feel in preparation. What are going to be some of your tools? What are your strategies for kind of dealing with those nerves and keeping your stress levels optimal? Because we want some stress for the test, but not too much. What are you going to do if you feel like those stress levels are tipping? What is that going to feel like in your body? What is your mind going to be like at that point? What are the ways you're going to know, hey, I'm starting to tip over the edge. And then what are you going to do in those moments when you need to bring yourself back? So as we prep kids with those conversations, we may not be there with them in the moment they experience it, but we can help them recognize it and then have a few tools at their disposal to really take the moment and run with it as best they can.

[33:06] Karin: I'm imagining that there are some kids who might struggle with some of this stuff a little bit more than others. And I'm also guessing that you've gotten really good at breaking things down, so they're in manageable chunks for them.

[33:22] Lindsay: Is that right? Yeah, totally. And like I said with my daughter, right, we've been practicing this since she was born. So this is a different it's a different scenario. So if your child is not doing that thing, no judgment and no guilt, right? But one of the things that we'll work on and when I work with families, I generally tell them it takes six months to a year. So for this to become habitual, you're going to see improvement after a month. You're going to notice them with a little bit more gentleness to themselves, a little bit more awareness. But those neurons take time to develop, right, no matter what. And so it's the consistent effort and it doesn't have to be every day, but it's like asking them, how did that go? What could you have done differently? What do you think might be helpful next time? It's having those conversations at intervals with them that allows the practice to develop. So it's better, I think, to do a couple of minutes of Mindfulness a day, if you can, or like one of these bigger conversations a week or a month, whatever, if you can, than to be like, okay, this week we're just going to do all mindfulness. We're really going to get this down and then hit it hard and then kind of fizzle out. It's better to just take like a slow and steady approach and recognize it's going to take time. I have kids who I've been working with for a couple of years and they'll finish their time where they have all the tools and the families will just say, I want the additional support for longer, like, I want your perspective with my child through this next stretch. So we'll continue. And it's so fun to see some of these skills kind of start to weave themselves into different situations, because over time, with the intentional practice, they are able to start to implement in some really cool ways where it's like the situation that's high stakes or high energy, and they're able to kind of figure out what they're feeling, manage their feelings and then communicate. Which for teens, I mean, that's like a novel. That's a huge skill anyway, right, just to be able to do either of those things, but to do them together in a moment, that's really high energy. It takes a lot. So there is an element of practice to it. There are ways that some kids take to it quicker than others. But I haven't had anyone who I'm like, no, you're just not going to get it. Everybody eventually makes progress, which, again, Mindfulness, is it's easy enough that we can all practice it in some way. Yeah.

[35:58] Karin: I was so excited when my now 18 year old came home and she was learning at school. She signed up for a Mindfulness class and I had to hold myself back.

[36:08] Lindsay: A little bit because excited.

[36:11] Karin: Tell me about what you learned today.

[36:13] Lindsay: Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yes. Yeah.

[36:16] Karin: And it was really wonderful. It was a catalyst for some conversations about things like what is empathy and compassion and how do you show that to yourself? And it seemed like there were a lot of related types of conversations that we could have around it, so that was really fun.

[36:35] Lindsay: Yeah. No, I love that. And I think there's so much power in that personal compassion, like we talked a little bit about at the beginning, where you start to not be as judgmental with yourself. It's interesting because for so many years, I was trying to be compassionate with other people first, and it was such a struggle, right? And I mean, you know this in your own work, when I could be compassionate with myself, it just could fly out of me to anybody. And it's so powerful for your daughter, for anyone to learn that self empathy and that self compassion, it pays so many dividends outward, and then it's just kind of a matter of figuring out what that looks like in any given situation, right. What what it would mean to be compassionate to this person or have empathy. I love that.

[37:24] Karin: And I'll just throw a recommendation for anyone that wants to learn more about that. Is Kristen Neff's book on self compassion, but definitely not unrelated to all this, that you're something is that something that you talk to kids about as well?

[37:39] Lindsay: Is that part of it? Yeah, for sure. I have a bunch of play based activities that I've developed over the years to teach different concepts because for kids, it's kind of an abstract concept, right? These things we're talking about, it's not concrete. So I have a bunch of different tools and different activities that I send in the mail, and then we'll do the activity so they can learn it in an experiential way. So one of the things we do is an empathy flashlight. So I have a little finger light because kids love finger lights, and I mean, adults love finger lights too, but just a tiny little light. And we'll talk about how you have an empathy flashlight. And for kids who tend to have a high level of sensitivity, which, again, I have a number of kids who have that tendency, we'll talk about how the first thing you need to do is turn your empathy flashlight on yourself. So in a situation where you're feeling a lot of big things like your empathy flashlight might be like you might be shining it all over the room and kind of picking up on all of these things. And it's important for you to turn it to yourself right then and figure out what you need kind of again, what's going on inside of you, what your current situation is, what you need in order to feel a little more steady. And then you can turn it outward again and kind of see how you can connect. I have other kids who the tendency is kind of already to just be very aware of what they're feeling and maybe not have as much empathy for other people. And so we'll talk about turning the empathy flashlight out to other people first and like, looking if you were going to shine your empathy flashlight on this moment. What do you think, Sally really needed. Why do you think she got mad at you? Why do you think she was feeling such big feelings? And it's really incredible to see because when you give them the space to do it, and again, without judgment, not, you did this wrong, let's figure out how you can fix it. No, it's just like if you were going to have empathy and shine of light on this, what would that look like? And so oh, you know what? I think she might have been feeling like earlier in the day when I was playing with John, that she wanted to play and was left out. But really, John asked me. I didn't ask John to play, and she could have come and played with us, but maybe she was feeling left out because I didn't invite you know, if you give them the space at the right time, they come up with know, pretty astute observations. And so as we talk about that, we again spread that compassion around, right. You're going to have empathy for yourself and for someone else. What's the most compassionate way forward? Knowing what you know now? So if you've kind of gotten different information, you have understanding of why you reacted a certain way. You have an understanding of why someone else reacted a certain way. How do you use that information to build a bridge? So let's find the compassion in this moment for you. Like, you didn't know, you didn't recognize, you didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't on purpose. She was responding out of pain and hurt. And so we can understand that now. So what could you do another day? I was having a conversation with one of them, and she was like, I think maybe we just need to have a conversation. We need to talk about what it was in a camp situation. And she was like, I think we maybe just need to talk about what happened because we were both in just a tricky spot. Yeah, that sounds good. What might be a way for you to have that conversation? Well, maybe like if we had ice cream together or something, it would be easy to just talk about it. Yeah, it's fun. It's great fun to see.

[41:14] Karin: How does this help kids with their relationships with other people?

[41:18] Lindsay: Yeah, it's such a good question. I find that again, back to the idea of normalizing. If they're not beating themselves up as much, they're able to show up differently in relationship. Right. We can relate to that as adults. Like, if we aren't so concerned with self-deprecation, we can show up in a different way. It also gives them just a level of self-awareness around what kind of boundaries maybe they need to have, what kind of relationships would be supportive for them. Sometimes kids can feel awkward or different. Like, maybe you're a kid who just needs one or two good friends, and that's kind of how you roll. But you're looking around and seeing the kids with 15 best friends and you're feeling like you're doing something wrong or people don't like you. So again, in that moment, like, the self-awareness piece, is that really what you want? I mean, if it is, we could probably figure out a way for that to be your reality. But at the root of it, what are you looking for? What is it that you're looking for? Well, I just want to have somebody I can talk to about baseball with. Okay. Does it need to be five people? Does it need to be three? What would feel good to you? And so really just kind of zooming in on the specific need can sometimes alleviate some of the social pressure that kids feel, because they can, with that awareness, trust that their actions make sense for their situation. And I think with kids, especially today, with all the information they have flying at them from all different sources, it's so important for them to have that lens for what they need personally. And then similarly with boundaries, if you say you're a kid who is highly sensitive and has a lot of empathy for other people, you need to be mindful about the kind of energy that surround you, the kind of places that you find yourself in. And so having that awareness allows you to engage in social relationships and situations that are resonant for you, that work for you. Right. As opposed to putting yourself in a situation, not feeling successful in it, and then thinking it's because you're not good at making friends. Right. But no, actually, maybe that just wasn't the right fit for you socially, like, not the kind of situation where you feel comfortable and like, you thrive in. And that's okay. We all have different ones of those. So I think the more we kind of fine tune the lens that kids see themselves through, the more we invite them to use that information to engage in social situations and in relationships that are optimal for them. So, like, if you're around a friend who you end up feeling kind of low every time you're around them or they're not leading you to make choices that are supporting the kind of freedom and privileges that you're looking for. I have kids who they're around a different crowd, and it's causing some consequences in their life at home, and it's rough. And that's not actually the kind of life they want to live. They want the freedom to not be punished most of the time, or they want the freedom to kind of do what they want. And so we talk about how that well, that comes with honesty, that comes with trust. Those qualities have to be part of that relationship. So whether it's a relationship at home or a relationship at school or with a friend, the awareness that's cultivated the emotional regulation skills that are on standby, ready to be used and then the communication that can result is really powerful for relationship.

[44:52] Karin: One of the things that came to mind as you were talking about this is helping the kids not get so wrapped up in the stories that they tell themselves. Yeah, it is about all those emotions that come up and understanding that maybe there's something else going on and seeing it with more clarity.

[45:13] Lindsay: Yeah, exactly. I have this activity that I do. It's called the brain with glasses. And we'll talk about what glasses is your brain wearing right now? Is your brain wearing its sad glasses? Is it wearing its anxious glasses? Is it wearing its angry glasses? And you can take whatever lens you want. Right. But talking about how that's going to color so many aspects of this moment. So if you just had an interaction with a friend and it didn't go well, and you're coming home and feeling really rough about that, and you're feeling upset, and every time you're around that friend, you come home with your sad your brain is wearing its sad glasses or whatever the lens is, that pattern is information for us. And we always try to use a neutral lens because if you tell a kid that the friend that they have is in the great influence, that's like an invitation to become that person's best friend. Right. So we want to use a level of neutrality, but just also talk about it in terms of information like, oh, that's an interesting pattern and eventually a lot of kids will recognize like, oh yeah, if that's happening every time, maybe I should do something different. And sometimes it doesn't land and sometimes kids are a little bit resistant to seeing it in that way. So you have to be patient. But there's so much value in helping them, like you said, see context and to really understand the impact of external situations on their internal well being and then to choose things that create an internal well being that they're wanting to.

[46:59] Karin: Experience such great information. And I love your tools, I think help to maybe this is what you were alluding to in the beginning, make something that seems so abstract, a lot more within reach and understandable.

[47:15] Lindsay: Thank you. Yeah, it's funny when you teach it to kids, you have to so you have to understand it in a different way and kind of narrow it down to the most essential parts. But it's interesting because a lot of times those tools resonate with adults just as much because it gets to the essence. You got to get to the essence of it with kids because they don't have time for anything else.

[47:37] Karin: Well, and our brains really love metaphors, right. They really grab onto those too. So I can see how it's helpful for everybody. If there's one thing you'd really like people to walk away with after listening to this conversation, what would it be?

[47:54] Lindsay: I would say it's hope that there are simple ways to have a big impact on your child's mental health. I think as parents, a lot of times right now, we feel the weight, right, of our kids mental health. It's heavy, and we will look around and we're not always sure how to help them or what to do. And I hope that after listening, you feel like mindfulness is a tool that you can access, that you can start to use, even if it's just these simple stories I've shared today, I think those are some of the most powerful ways to use it. Because with teens, they don't want the lecture, right? But if you can find a time to kind of share the zoom in, zoom out story with them, and then in a moment when it would be useful, be like, oh, seems like zooming out might be helpful right now, and leave it at that, right? Like, let it go. Give them the opportunity to apply it as they'd like to in that moment. But really, it can be as simple as that. If we share some of the tools or stories and then allow them to kind of percolate with our kids they'll remember and use them in ways that might surprise you, ways that might not. But it can be that simple, and I want parents to feel hopeful about that.

[49:13] Karin: So this is the question that I ask all of my guests toward the end of our time together, and that is, what role does love play in the work that you do?

[49:25] Lindsay: As I thought about it, it plays a few roles. And, I mean, I obviously have a measure of love for all of my little clients and the families that I work with, because without that, people don't want to listen, right? I mean, unless I have a relationship with these kids in which they sense that I have high regard for them, they're not interested in what I have to share.

[49:48] Karin: Right?

[49:49] Lindsay: So I think in any teaching moment, that's important. I also think that, like we said at the beginning, cultivating that love for ourselves is one of the most surefire ways to allow it to find us in other places. Like, it'll reflect back to us the more we've kind of written it in our hearts. And so I love the idea of taking love into practice in all of those ways, but starting with the practice of loving ourselves.

[50:19] Karin: I agree. Wonderful.

[50:23] Lindsay: I thought you might.

[50:27] Karin: And how can people learn more about you and about working with you?

[50:32] Lindsay: Yeah, thanks for asking. So my website is thestressnanny.com, and you can go there. I have a five minute Mindfulness Masterclass where I'll give you a few more insights on some of the things we talked about today. I also have a podcast called The Stress Nanny available on any podcast platform, and I talk about some of these tools. I also interview, so there are a few opportunities, but I'd love to have you stop by thestressnanny.com come, listen to the podcast. I have a newsletter you can sign up for if you want, but just allow Mindfulness to find you in a few different ways or once a week and let it start to thread its way into your life and it'll make a big difference.

[51:12] Karin: Thank you so much for all of this wonderful information. I think you gave people a lot to think about, and I hope that people who had never really thought so much about Mindfulness, it might grow their interest. So thank you.

[51:30] Lindsay: Yeah, thanks so much for having me, Karen. I'm so grateful for the work that you do in the world as well. Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to come on the show.

[51:36] Karin: Thank you.

Outro:

[51:39] Karin: Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm the Love and Connection coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be love. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together. Close.