#24: Emotional Regulation for Kids, with Laura Reardon

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

Do your kids ever trigger you? As a parent, do you find yourself exhausted at the end of the day? Are you confused and frustrated by the choices your kids make? If you answered no to any of these questions, you might be superhuman!

Laura Reardon is a certified Child Behavior Specialist who helps parents respond to big emotions and challenging behaviors in a way that builds emotional regulation. She talks with us in this episode about how to be a more effective parent and how to better support your kids. Emotional regulation is a skill that will help your kids (and you) in their future relationships for the rest of their lives.

Laura worked for twenty years as a home daycare owner and nanny. She has since earned a certification as a Child Behavior Specialist from The Early Years, completed Parent Coach training with Happily Family, completed Emotion Coach training with the Gottman Institute, and completed Anxiety Coach training with the Institute of Childhood Psychology in addition to her undergraduate degree in psychology from Northeastern University.

Her specialties include working with parents of children from birth through the teenage years, because it’s never too early or too late to support the development of emotional regulation.

Laura’s website: https://laurareardoncoaching.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurareardoncoaching

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/laurareardoncoaching

Karin’s website: https://drcalde.com

Podcast Intro:

[00:00] Karin: You. This is Love is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Us.

Episode Intro:

Hello, everybody. Today we're going to be talking about parenting. So the parenting tools that I learned when growing up – and to some extent in graduate school and even from other professionals – are not all that effective. So many of us learned, essentially, to reward the behavior in our kids that we want and then to ignore or maybe even punish the behavior that we don't want them to do. And that doesn't really build skills in our kids, and it's not very effective. So today we have more informed and more effective ways to parent based upon the latest research, especially in neuroscience. And I talk a lot on this podcast about the importance of regulating our nervous systems. And I do this because most people don't know about this, and yet it's becoming clear that this is vital for our health, our well being, and our relationships. And it's really important for kids who are growing up and learning skills and learning how to understand themselves and understand emotions and all of that.

So today I talk with Laura Reardon. She's a parenting coach who wants to help parents, whether you have babies or teens, to create a more peaceful home. And it goes further than just this idea of peace, because these skills set people up for healthier, more satisfying lives. And she does this by teaching parents how to support their kids development of healthy emotional regulation. I sure wish I knew more about this stuff when I had young kids, but it is helping now that I have older kids now. Laura is a certified child behavior specialist. She has been trained as a parent coach, an emotion coach, and an anxiety coach. She also has a really soothing voice, and I found it really relaxing listening back to this episode. She also shares some great information that I hope you'll appreciate. So thanks for being here. Here we go.

Transcript:

Karin: Welcome, Laura.

[02:59] Laura: Thank you for having me. I'm very happy to be here.

[03:02] Karin: Yeah, it's good to have you. Tell us where you are in the world.

[03:06] Laura: I live in the United States. And specifically, I live in Massachusetts.

[03:11] Karin: Massachusetts? Somewhere I haven't been to in a very long time, but beautiful state. How's your weather right now?

[03:21] Laura: Well, actually, as I'm looking out my window. It's turning into a beautiful spring day, but we're coming off of about five rainy days, cool and cold. Happy to see a little bit of a return to spring.

[03:36] Karin: Yeah, I'm a little bit obsessed with weather right now since we have had it such a wet, cold winter and spring, and I'm pretty much over it right now. I'm envious of anyone who has better weather right now.

[03:51] Laura: I hear you. I know anytime the sun is out and it's warm enough, I'll make sure at some point in the day I pop outside and just put my face up to the sun. And we kind of have a warm little nook on our deck where it's protected from the wind. So it could be a little windy or cool, but I can still feel warm. And it's that perfect time in the spring where the sun's not too hot and you just want to kind of soak up every ounce of it.

[04:18] Karin: Yeah. That's wonderful. I'm a little jealous.

[04:21] Laura: Sorry.

[04:22] Karin: It's okay. No, it's good. I'm happy that people are getting some sunshine.

[04:27] Laura: It's good for us.

[04:29] Karin: So what drew you there or what keeps you there if you've been?

[04:33] Laura: Well, I grew up in the town next door, actually, and then I went off to college. I went to college in Boston and spent about ten years living in and around the city. But when I got married and we were looking to buy a home, I decided to move to this town, which is next door, as I said, to the town I grew up in. And what I love about this town is that it's right on the coast, and it has a harbor and a cute little downtown. It has a lighthouse, it has beaches, it has this walk along the river we take our dogs on. So it's just a place where I can really enjoy nature, which is an important part of my well being. So that's what both brought me here and keeps me here.

[05:23] Karin: That sounds wonderful. To be able to get outside like that sounds idyllic.

[05:28] Laura: It's not idyllic when it's raining and cold. We make the best of it. Actually, I will say that I think getting out, for me, getting out, walking any time of the year, even on that cold winter day, one of my favorite things to do is just to get out for a long walk, but then come home and build a fire. I forget that word, but that word of creating coziness in wintertime yes.

[05:54] Karin: Was it that Swedish word?

[05:56] Laura: Yes.

[05:56] Karin: Haiga or something like that? Yes. Sounds nice. And tell us what you do for work.

[06:05] Laura: So I'm a certified child behavior specialist who helps parents navigate big emotions and big behaviors towards calm and conflict resolution so they can have more peace in their home and so that they can do their part in creating more peace in our world by raising a new generation of emotionally regulated adults. That's my passion.

[06:33] Karin: That's something that we certainly need more of because there's so much dysregulation in the world today, isn't there?

[06:40] Laura: Yeah. Well, most of us were not, in my opinion, our culture doesn't value relationships success in terms of as defined by relationships, as opposed to success as defined by wealth and power. So I don't think there's a lot of value in our culture placed on developing emotional regulation skills and the way in which they benefit our relationship. So most of us were raised in homes in which we were never taught those skills.

[07:14] Karin: So true. Yeah. I've been reading are you familiar with Robert weldinger's work and the Happiness study out of Harvard? Yeah. So that reminds me a lot of that about how yeah. Relationships really are the most important thing in our lives, and that makes us happy. But if we can't regulate our nervous systems and be able to connect with people, then it's hard to have those relationships in our lives that benefit.

[07:44] Laura: Right? Yeah, exactly. And when we respond to conflict in ways that create disconnection rather than in ways that create connection and solve problems yeah. It just can turn small problems into big problems.

[08:00] Karin: Right? Yeah. They really do build upon one another, don't they?

[08:03] Laura: Yeah.

[08:04] Karin: So how did you come to do this work?

[08:07] Laura: Well, my children are grown now. My daughter is 19 and just finishing up her freshman year in college. And my son is 21 and just finishing up the lease on his first apartment. So they're grown now. But in their growing up years, teaching emotional intelligence skills always felt important to me. But it turns out the traditional parenting tools that I was taught, such as consequences and rewards, weren't effective in helping my kids learn to manage their emotions and to resolve conflicts effectively. And so that started me on my journey of educating myself. That led to the work that I do now, which is essentially to share what I know now and wish I knew then, so that parents who are struggling with the big emotions and big behaviors and their home don't have to do it alone anymore. And so that children who are struggling don't have to feel shamed or helpless anymore.

[09:22] Karin: Consequences and rewards. It seems like that's just such a staple in the parenting world. So why doesn't that work?

[09:33] Laura: Well, a couple of things. First of all, they can work sometimes. And when they do work, they can be effective in controlling our child's behavior, getting them to do what we want them to do or what we don't want them to do. But the problem is that the reward has to keep getting bigger and the consequence has to keep getting bigger until one day they're no longer effective. And we essentially have no power and control. We have no way to influence our children's behavior. And so they arrive as teenagers, and sometimes they're bigger than us, and we're just wide eyed and wondering what in the world do I do now? And all that acknowledged. Also what's interesting is that although they do work for some kids in many situations they actually don't work because the situations in which they do work in which our kids actually do have the ability to do that thing we want them to do or to not do that thing that we want them to do. But what most parents don't understand is that in fact most behavior is not purposeful and oftentimes not in our children's control. And this is what I mean by that. So essentially emotional regulation as I define it is our ability to be with our emotions, the comfortable ones and the uncomfortable ones and to respond to them in effective ways. But the reason that that is so challenging is because of our nervous system and how it unconsciously impacts our behavior. And so what happens is that when our nervous system which is essentially the communication between our brain and our body I should say when we feel comfortable emotions our nervous system perceives safety. And when our nervous system perceives safety we are regulated. We are able to act as our best selves, we are able to be calm, we are flexible, we're able to listen and learn and problem solve all of those wonderful qualities that we want in ourselves as parents but also the ones that we want to see in our children. But what happens is that when we experience uncomfortable emotions it triggers a feeling of threat in our nervous system and so we can respond by it can trigger our flight, flight or freeze response. And our automatic and unconscious reaction is to lash out or to shut down in reaction to uncomfortable emotions. And this comes from our ancestors. And at a time when physical threats were very prominent this is what kept us alive. But in our world today more often our fight, flight or freeze response gets triggered in reaction to uncomfortable emotions that we experience in everyday life. And so what happens is that when our child is exhibiting behavior that is not okay if it's a situation where it is purposeful. So, for example, if, as a parent, our child asks for that candy bar before that cookie before dinner, and we say no and then they keep asking and asking and then they cry and they have a meltdown and then we finally say, okay, fine. Have the cookie. Just be quiet. Then we are developing that behavior in our kids where they will act out in purposeful ways to get what they want. But in most cases when we see behavior it's actually this unconscious and automatic reaction to their uncomfortable emotions at a time when they don't yet have a brain that has developed emotional regulation and they don't have the skills. And so all that to say, going back to consequences and rewards in most cases they're not effective because our child does not have the capacity in that moment to control their behavior.

[14:29] Karin: Oh, there's so much good stuff in there. And it just reminds me how, just in the field of psychology, that I think that what has been missing for so long is that nervous system piece and helping people understand that that nervous system is such a powerful, powerful influencer on our on our behavior and our choices, our thoughts, our feelings, all those things. What you're saying really resonates with me. What also resonates with me is being on the other side of this and of being that parent who feels so powerless and not knowing what to do. I have three kids, and a couple of them were always so very well behaved. And then I had a kid who was built differently, and there was nothing wrong with that kid. It was just that person's nervous system was different. I can relate to those parents who were saying, yeah, but what do I do? When I've asked my kids to do their chores a million times and they just can't seem to ever remember to do it, or they're choosing not to do it or whatever it is. Maybe you can talk a little bit about what parents do tend to get wrong.

[16:07] Laura: Well, I can tell you what I got wrong. As I said, the first thing I did is I responded to my kids behavior with consequences and rewards because that's what I was taught in the books that I was reading in the classes that I went to. And then I thought I was getting really sophisticated. And in my response, and I do what I think is kind of like the mistake we make in today's day and age as parents, where we think the solution is to teach skills for calming themselves. And that makes so much sense. And so, for example, when my kid would have behavior, I was pretty effective at staying calm. But of course, that's like, whoo, that's the whole first step is how do we learn to have our own emotional regulation as parents? So that assumes an awful lot, because that's a big place to get to, is remaining calm when our kids are not. But even once we're in that place of, okay, we can stay calm when our kids are misbehaving. And then afterwards, I would follow up, and I would just teach skills like, okay, so what can you do next time that happens? And I would teach calming skills. And again, I think that's a mistake that a lot of parents don't. I don't want to say mistake. I want to say there's a missing piece of information there. I know there was. For me, the missing piece of information is understanding that until their brain has developed emotional the capacity for emotional regulation, they will not be biologically capable in that moment of remembering that there is a tool they could use to calm down and then to use that tool and to access those tools in the moment. So step one is needing emotional regulation to be developed in their brain so that they can then start to use all of those tools that we've been teaching them. So what do we do? What do we do while they're learning and growing? What do we do until they get to the point where they have developed emotional regulation and can start using those tools and learning to calm themselves? And you made a really good point a moment ago, which is individual differences. For some of our kids, they are just seems like they are born pretty emotionally regulated. And for other kids, emotional regulation can be really challenging. In particular for kids who are deeply feeling kids, for kids who have sensory sensitivities, for kids who have Dysregulated parents, for kids who have a diagnosis of ADHD or autism and the list goes on and on. For all of these kids, emotional regulation is going to be more challenging and it's going to take more time to develop. And so what can we do in the interim? And what we can do is what I'm just starting to hear more people talk about and that's co regulation. Essentially co regulation is helping our child to regulate in the moment until they have the capacity to do it on their own. And so in short and we can talk in more detail about examples but in short, what that means is helping our child to feel safe enough in that moment to return to regulation. Because when we do that, two important things happen. One is when we're regulated, we naturally have that ability to become, to be open to listening and learning and problem solving, to be flexible again, all of those qualities that we want when we're regulated, when our child is regulated, they are biologically capable of acting as their best selves. But when they're Dysregulated, they are biologically incapable of acting as their best selves. And so step number one is always helping our kid to return to regulation because then in the moment we set them up for success in acting in the ways that we want them to act. And when we respond in this way over and over and over again, our kids learn to associate uncomfortable emotions with safety. And so over time they become less reactive. Over time, when they feel uncomfortable emotions they don't necessarily get triggered into fight, flight or freeze because again, we're learning their brain is wiring to associate big emotions, uncomfortable emotions with feeling safe. And so these are the two powerful things that happen when we respond with co regulation.

[21:35] Karin: So when you talk about Dysregulation, what can send a child or a Tween or a teen into Dysregulation? What are some examples?

[21:45] Laura: Well, we talk about uncomfortable emotions can trigger Dysregulation, uncomfortable emotions. And by Dysregulation, I mean getting triggered into our fight, flight or freeze response where we lash out or shut down instead of responding in effective ways because our nervous system is in a threat state. And so when we talk about big emotions it can be those everyday emotions that we experience that our kids experience in a day. It could be anger, it could be frustration. They could feel embarrassed, they could feel overwhelmed, they could feel frustrated. All of these uncomfortable emotions. But we also need to be aware that things like getting our basic needs met for things such as is our kid getting enough sleep? Is our kid hungry? Is our kid tired? Is our kid needing to move their body? Is our kid needing connection? Because when we experience the uncomfortable body sensations associated with those things those create uncomfortable emotions in us. So they're all interrelated. So those are the things that we want to become curious about and that's such an important word, is curiosity versus judgment. When our kids are displaying behavior we want to become curious about what's triggering that behavior. Could be something as simple as oh yeah, I just need to get my kid a snack. I just need to get my kid some downtime. I need to get my kid out in the yard. When we respond with curiosity and when we respond with the understanding of looking at behavior through the lens of in most cases it's not purposeful. It's an unconscious and automatic reaction to what's happening in their nervous system. Then it creates a really different response in us. And it's an opportunity again, when we think about consequences and rewards it's problematic because in some cases, regardless of the reward or the consequence our child does not have the capacity in that moment to meet our needs. But also, even if they did, it's a missed opportunity to use conflict as an everyday conflict as an opportunity to teach emotional regulation. Now, of course we can't realistically and there's just absolutely no need to respond every time there's a problem in a way that supports the development of emotional regulation. But when we start to think of conflict as an opportunity, not just something we want to avoid and make go away at any cost, but when we look at it through the lens of it's an opportunity to support the development of my kids emotional regulation, we can take advantage of those opportunities when we have the capacity to do that.

[24:50] Karin: Right? Yeah. So going back a ways when you talked about are they tired or they're hungry? Or there can be just some physical things that can actually throw them off their nervous system and then that can also contribute to the big emotions as well. But I also imagine that it can be things that don't seem like big deals to us but from the child's lens can feel really big especially as their brains are developing and they can experience things that, again, might seem small to us but might feel really big to them.

[25:31] Laura: That's really important perspective to keep in mind. It made me think of an example that I'll sometimes share with parents just to help us understand how it might feel from our own perspective and our own experience. Let's say, for example, that we came home from a long day of work where everything went wrong, ran into traffic on the way home, we skipped lunch, we didn't sleep well, whatever. We had a bad day. And we get home and we act as our worst self because again, we're experiencing uncomfortable emotions. And yes, we have fully developed brains, but A, most of us weren't taught emotional regulation skills and B, even if we were, we're human beings and not robots and we're not going to get it right every time. And that's not even really the goal. If we were to arrive home, our partner would be very appropriate for them to respond by saying that's absolutely not okay, that you act that way and setting limits and getting upset. This would all be very understandable. And yet imagine if we arrived home, acted as our worst selves, and our partner turned to us and said, wow, you must have had a tough day. How can I help? It's just that, again, when we have the capacity, which will not be every time, but when we have that capacity to respond to behavior with curiosity about what's driving the behavior and a desire to help the other person whether it's our partner or our child to feel safe in that moment, understanding that will support their return to regulation and bring out their best selves, then it's just a powerful thing to do when we can.

[27:29] Karin: Yeah, and it can be, and like you said, when we can. So there are also the times when it is really hard for parents to do that because they might feel dysregulated. So how do you help parents who have a hard time calming themselves or feeling regulated themselves?

[27:52] Laura: Yeah, well, the most important thing I teach is compassion. And that's why I start by helping parents understand why managing emotions is so challenging, helping parents to understand the biology underneath that and creating compassion. My intent is to create compassion for their children's behavior, but also for their own behavior. So the number one thing I'll say is it's absolutely fine to sometimes use consequences and rewards if they work. I mean, most of the time we're in survival mode and again, we can take advantage of those opportunities when we're not in survival mode and we have the capacity to respond in more effective ways and understand the power behind it, but all we can do is the best that we can. So it's always rooted in compassion. And when we lose it, it's actually a powerful opportunity to also teach emotional regulation. Because when we lose it and we repair, when we apologize and when we take responsibility for our behavior and we share with our child that this is what I wish I had done and this is what I'm going to practice doing next time. I wish I had stopped and taken a deep breath or taken a break or what have you. It's one of the most powerful ways that we can teach emotional regulation, by role modeling with our kids, so we can feel really comforted and reassured that we're going to absolutely lose it. And in fact, it's getting it wrong that gets us on the path towards getting it right in the future. But all that to say, I do teach parents a three step plan for how they can build their own emotional regulation. And it starts with environment. And by environment, I mean we can create an environment that supports our well being. And I know that that can be really challenging as a parent. So again, I go straight to compassion. If the only self care you can give yourself in a day is self compassion, then that's good enough. But we can consider if we're getting Dysregulated, if we're losing it on a regular basis, we can find a time to reflect on that and reflect on our environment. And is there something that we need to problem solve and create an opportunity to support for more sleep or to eat food that's going to support our well being? Or to move or to connect with other adults and have fun and laugh or do that thing that rebuilds our energy? For some of us, that's being alone. And for some of us, that's being with people. So that's step number one is environment.

[30:38] Karin: So it sounds like self awareness is part of that. Really? Understanding? What is it that I need in order to feel better?

[30:48] Laura: Yeah, exactly. Yes. Understanding yourself in that moment. We're not going to have the ability to do it in that moment. So I'll actually talk a lot more about that in a moment because the step number three is actually the opportunity to reflect. But before I talk about that, I'll just mention an in the moment tool and we can set our environment up for success. And then we're in that moment and we're feeling triggered and we feel like we're going to lose it. I created a tool for how to stay calm. ABCs a is for the awareness. You mentioned developing our awareness for when we're feeling big emotions, when we're feeling like we might lose it. And then we can go to B breathe. We can take that deep breath in, letting our exhale be longer than our inhale. And when we do this, it calms our body. And in calming our body, we can be with our emotions. It helps us to be with our emotions without lashing out or shutting down. And then we can go to C, which is calm our thoughts because our thoughts influence our emotions and our emotions influence our actions. And so we can tune in with our thoughts. And again, just like our brains wired to react to threat by going into fight, flight or freeze response, our brains also wired to assume the worst. So for example, for our ancestors, they might have seen a stick and assumed it was a snake or they might have seen a beige rock in the distance and assumed it was a tiger and this kept them alive. But what happens or how that shows up for us in this day and age more often, for example, as a parent is we'll see our kids behavior and it will be our automatic reaction to think our kid is mean or what's wrong with our kid, what's wrong with us, and to assume the worst. And so when we can check in with our thoughts and recognize we're having a negative thought we can first of all, again offer ourselves compassion. It makes sense. I'm having a negative thought and I can consider a more calm thought. My kid's not a mean kid. My kid is a kid who is struggling in this moment and does not yet have the capacity to respond to their anger in more effective ways. And I'm here to support them as they're learning and growing. So this quick tool that I mentioned, depending a on the level of reactivity and B in how far along you are in learning to implement this tool, it can be something that we can literally learn to go through very quickly in the moment. And it can be that awareness, for example, takes a long time to develop in and of itself. As we begin practicing, becoming more aware, the first time we have awareness, it might be when our head hits the pillow and we have the first opportunity to think and we might realize, oh gosh, I see that now. I see what happened. So as we increase our awareness and as we develop our breathing technique and as we learn to check in with our thoughts and again, depending on the level of reactivity, this could be something that we cycle through in 60 seconds and it could be something we cycle through in 24 hours. But it is a tool that can support your regulation in the moment.

[34:54] Karin: And it really strikes me that those are skills that we can use when our kids are young. We can use it when our kids are teens. We can use it with our partners and at work and in all kinds of different situations when we feel strong emotions because that happens in all areas of our life. And having tools to really understand what's going on so that we can show up the way we want to is a powerful thing.

[35:29] Laura: Yeah. And that's why I feel so passionate about teaching parents how they can support this in their own families. Because imagine the impact to our world if we all start learning how to build our own emotional regulation as parents and then in turn raise kids who. Are emotionally regulated adults and we can just imagine the powerful impact not just in our homes but in the world as we start to value and educate ourselves on how to teach emotional regulation to our kids.

[36:14] Karin: Yeah. So I have more questions but you have started to talk about the three stages and I kind of interrupted you. So you started with the environment, right?

[36:26] Laura: Yes. So environment and then the in the moment tool of the ABCs and then yes, to get back to your question that you had asked about awareness and reflection. So yes, step number three is repair and reflect. So as we talked about it, if we get it wrong, we can have compassion and we can start with reflection because again in the moment, we're not going to be able to reflect in the moment but we can carve out time. Again, if we are losing it on a regular basis, we can become curious. We can consider as we started to talk about what are my big emotions communicating to me. Because essentially the purpose of emotions is to communicate information to us about our needs. And so when we're feeling comfortable emotions, our needs are being met and we're feeling uncomfortable emotions, our needs are not being met. So they're trying to communicate that to us. So we can become curious about are my big emotions communicating something to me about a need that is not being met in the present again and that's when we can reflect on our basic core needs like sleep and nutrition and hydration and connection and movement and all that. And sometimes if it's just a one off, it just absolutely makes sense that we lost it in that moment even if we're getting enough sleep and all of that other stuff. So we can recognize that. But again, if we're losing it on a regular basis, we want to become reflective and we also want to consider if it's possible that our emotions are communicating to us an unmet need from our past. And so for example, it could be that a need we had in the past that was not met was to have the safety of expressing our own emotions. Again, many of us were raised in homes in which it was not safe to communicate our emotions. And so we were either told to go away or they were punished or they were just not tolerated. Maybe we had that parent that gave us the cookie because they couldn't handle our emotions. And either way, essentially our need to have safety around emotions was not met. And so what that can look like in our present day is when our kid expresses emotions, the alarms are going to go ringing because we associate emotions with feeling unsafe and so that can make us really reactive to our kids emotions. And so if that's the case, that can be work that we can consider doing with ourselves. We can reflect on if we want to and we feel safe to, we can reflect on what happened in our past. How did we feel about what happened? How is it impacting our present day? How would we like to, for example, handle emotions in our current family? And we can offer ourselves in the present day what we did not receive in our growing up years. We can offer ourselves safety around our emotions.

[40:19] Karin: And that's really breaking the cycle, isn't it?

[40:25] Laura: That's when we get into that really important breaking generational cycles work. And so again, sometimes we lose it and it's just because we need more sleep or it's just whatever. And sometimes it represents unmet needs from our past. So again, just as we approach our kids behavior with curiosity, we can approach our own behavior with curiosity.

[40:50] Karin: It sounds like this work really starts with the parents and being able to self regulate first to create that sense of safety. Then what happens? Then how do you talk to your child? Let's say they're a teenager and they came home, they just got off the bus, they're obviously dysregulated and maybe they came in and they yelled at their little brother or something as they walked in the door and they threw their stuff down, they stomped upstairs and they're yelling at you, whatever it is, whatever it is. So you are able to regulate yourself. So you go through those three steps. Then what?

[41:38] Laura: Then essentially we want to do two things. We want to hold boundaries while creating safety, a fault sense of safety in our child to support their return to regulation. So what that can look like in the example that you gave is starting with holding the boundary. I won't let you talk to your brother that way. That first of all creates physical safety. Whether it's a two year old hitting someone or whether it's a teenager emotionally hurting someone, either way it creates safety when we say I won't let you because that's recognizing and making them feel safe in that way. Because when our kids are not able to control their behavior because they don't yet have the brain development or the skills to do that and they can trust that we will keep things safe when they're not able to do that themselves, that in and of itself creates safety. But in terms of creating emotional safety, we can hold the boundary and then we can recognize and we can talk about how we can do this. But essentially what we want to do is communicate the message that I see you. I see you're not a bad kid, you're a good kid who is struggling and I'm here while you're learning and growing. And so for example, we could say I won't let you x and I can see you're having a tough time. How can I help? In the same way that would feel so beautiful to us as adults arriving home in a similar situation. So what happens is we've held a limit, but we've also created emotional safety. That person is feeling seen and understood. And when we feel seen and understood by the people who know and love us most, it's really powerful. And again, it does those two powerful things of returning us to regulation in the moment so we can naturally bring out that behavior that we want to see. And over time, it rewires our brain to associate uncomfortable emotions with feeling safe. And so we grow up to be adults who are less reactive as opposed to those of us who were raised in homes where our brain wired to associate feeling uncomfortable emotions with feeling unsafe. And we grew up to be adults who were overly reactive. So it's really powerful short term and long term.

[44:27] Karin: And it's a great reminder whenever I have guests on talking about how to be a more effective parent, so much of it comes back to connecting on that emotional level, right?

[44:43] Laura: And that's such an important point because for me as a parent, I was never the yeller. What I did was the opposite. I got triggered into fight flight or freeze response when my kid was losing it. And so for some of us as parents, we go into fight response and we yell. Those are our yellers. I did the opposite. I went into shutdown. So I appeared on the surface as calm, which is, oh, that's great, right? Well, no, calm alone is not good enough. It's calm and connected because really when our kid has big emotions and big behaviors and we react by yelling, we are essentially communicating the message, I can't handle your big emotions and I don't think you can handle your big emotions. And again, that creates that circle of fear around uncomfortable emotions. But also when I respond by shutting down and disconnecting emotionally from my kid, that's sending the same message in a very different way. But it's the same message. I'm saying, oh, I'm shutting down. I can't connect with you emotionally right now because I'm overwhelmed. I can't handle your big emotions and I don't think you can handle your big emotions. It's when we can co regulate. It's when we can become and connected. When we can become and connected. That is the beautiful combination. And it's a great example that I'm thinking of because that you made me think of because oftentimes I think this term of co regulation, again, I'm starting to hear it talked about more often. But I think there's a lot of confusion around it and I think a lot of people associate it with just staying calm like I did. Calm but disconnected. So you'll see parents at the playground, for example, and their kid will be having a temper tantrum and like me, they're doing their best with what they know in this moment. And so I'll see them, for example, staying calm, but looking at their phone. It's so important to understand that connection between not just calm but calm and connected. Because if you're calm and disconnected, it's not the same thing. That is a fight, flight or freeze response, just like yelling. So we want to connect emotionally as you raise a very good point.

[47:13] Karin: Yeah. So your kids need to feel you there. They need to feel that connection with you to help them regulate themselves.

[47:22] Laura: Right. Because co regulation is about creating safety through relationship.

[47:29] Karin: Yeah. And that's such a big part of this, is that relationship. So what are some of the results that you see with the parents that you work with?

[47:40] Laura: Well, I think that the result that they see is also short term and long term, kind of like co regulation. The short term result is that they will. I know for me as a parent, I always had two goals as it related to this interest in teaching my kids emotional intelligence or emotional regulation skills. Number one is I wanted to create peace in my home. That was huge for me. But I want parents to understand that my definition of peace is not the absence of conflict. It's the ability to be with conflict in a way that creates calm and solves problems. So like ourselves, if our kid keeps arriving home, dysregulated, again, if it's a one time thing, you had a tough day, how can I help? Like us, as parents arrive home, we had that tough day, how can I help? But if it's happening on a regular basis, we want to become curious about what problem needs to be solved. So again, it's responding to conflict in a way that a creates calm and B resolves conflict, resolves long term conflict. And so there's so much more we could talk about there. But essentially, in short, what they will gain is learning to respond to the conflict in their home in a way that essentially creates connection rather than disconnection. Kind of getting back to what we spoke about right at the top of the conversation. And long term, again, as we've talked about, they will do their part in raising a child who has the ability to regulate their emotions so that that child will personally benefit and be able to replicate peace in their own future homes and also in their other relationships, their work relationships, their friendships with us as adults. So again, it's a short term and.

[49:54] Karin: A long term benefit that's really teaching some life skills.

[49:59] Laura: Yes, exactly. That's exactly how I think about it. And it's interesting because you'll hear those comments about, oh, people kind of like the old school thinking that teaching kids about emotions teaches weakness. And I find that fascinating because to me, through my lens, I see it as the opposite way. It's our parents who it's when we respond in ways that communicate that message. It's when we lash out or shut down and send that message. I can't handle your emotions and I don't think you can. That, in my opinion, is what creates emotional fragility. It's when we teach our kids and give them opportunities to learn how to be with their emotions and stay regulated. Again, back to that original definition of emotional regulation, the ability to be with our emotions and respond in effective ways rather than lash out or shut down. Well, which sounds like strength to you? I know what sounds like strength to me, so that just doesn't make any sense to me. I think that as we gain new knowledge, I think that my hope is that that message will really take off.

[51:18] Karin: Yeah, me too. So what does love have to do with the work that you do?

[51:25] Laura: Yes. Well, my tagline for my business, it's Laura Reardon coaching helping parents Grow. And this is really hard work. It's a lot easier to throw out the consequences and the rewards. And this learning and this growing is hard stuff. And in my opinion, it's our love for our children that is what empowers us to do that hard thing, because it empowers us to grow into our best self so that we can help our child grow into their best self. And we're not going to be willing to go through all of this without that fire of love empowering all of this.

[52:25] Karin: Nice. And how can people learn more about you and working with you?

[52:32] Laura: I think it's when we get support in how to implement this knowledge or in individual families that turns learning into action. And so I invite anyone listening to go to Laurareardencoaching.com and get started with a personalized parenting plan. We'll speak personally during our private 1 hour zoom session and we'll create a customized and holistic plan that supports you and your child's ability to navigate big emotions towards calm and conflict resolution. And so, again, anyone that would be interested in one on one support, I encourage you to do that.

[53:14] Karin: Great. Well, thank you for talking with me. This is such an important topic. And again, I think this is something that once people learn, it'll be a skill that they can take to all areas of their lives. So, really important work.

[53:28] Laura: Well, thank you for the work that you do. I know I follow you and your work and learn a lot. And so I really value what you teach the world and I value the opportunity that you provide for people like myself to come on and share our messages about what we're passionate about. So thank you.

[53:50] Karin: Yeah, you're welcome. It's great to have you.

[53:53] Laura: Great to be here.

[53:55] Karin: Thanks for joining us. Today on Love Is US. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram where I'm the Love and Connection Coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my new music, ali Shaw for my artwork and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.