104. Encouraging vs. Enabling: How to Help Your Teen Without Holding Them Back With Therapist Trevor Allen

Parenting Post-Wilderness: Parenting a Struggling Teen Before, During and After Treatment

As parents, it’s natural to want to do everything we can to support our struggling teens or young adults. But where do we draw the line between encouraging them to grow and enabling them to remain dependent?

It’s a delicate balance and I’m joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to dive into one of the more challenging questions for any parent: How do we figure out what our teens are truly capable of?

How much should you be doing for your kids? Should you be doing something for them when they can do it themselves?

It’s tempting to step in and help, especially when you see your teen struggling. But here’s the catch: by doing too much, we might be taking away the very opportunities they need to learn, grow, and mature.

Because the truth is: growth happens in the struggle.

It’s in those moments of challenge and difficulty that our teens build resilience and develop the skills they’ll need for life.

In this episode, we also explore the concept of self-efficacy, or the belief in one’s ability to succeed.

“As parents, we have to somehow be able to open up the possibility of them actually being successful, which does open up the possibility of them failing again. But we have to be willing to open up a certain amount” - Beth Hillman

It’s a tricky balance, but it’s essential for their growth.

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how much is too much when it comes to helping your teen, this episode is for you. Trevor and I unpack these complex questions and offer practical insights on how to support your teen in a way that empowers them to take charge of their own life.

In this episode on encouraging vs. enabling, we discuss:

• How can you determine what your struggling teen or young adult is capable of in order to set appropriate expectations and boundaries based on their capabilities?;
• How to decide how much you can help your teen without enabling dependency;
• The growth that comes from struggle and the importance of allowing your teen to face challenges independently;
• Avoiding the mindset of “they’re not doing it, so they can’t do it,” and recognizing when your actions cross the line from supportive to enabling;
• The importance of getting to know your child deeply to understand what they truly need, rather than focusing on getting them to do more or less;
• How you can help your teen without doing things entirely for them by taking baby steps out of enabling;
• Your role as a parent in helping your teen build the necessary skills to overcome their challenges without overwhelming them;
• The need for you to open up the possibility of your teen being successful, even if it means risking failure;
• The importance of self-efficacy and its role in your teen’s development.

And remember parents, the change begins with us.

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